


Underwater

by Hikikomori_Ho



Category: Monsta X (Band), NU'EST
Genre: Abuse, Bottom Shin Hoseok | Wonho, Heavy Angst, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, Rare Pairings, Sad, Self-Sacrifice, Violent, don't even start this story if you're sensitive, i don't know how many chaps it'll be but it won't be too long, i'm not joking this is really sad and violent and angsty, i'm sorry wonho i'm a cold hearted asshole for writing it at this point, love makes you do unimaginable things, wonho is the main character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2019-10-13 16:59:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 25
Words: 36,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17491793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hikikomori_Ho/pseuds/Hikikomori_Ho
Summary: they first got to know each other at elementary school. not all of them were in the same class but one boy connected them all. one boy got them all together and created the best best-friends group there could ever be by his pure heart. one boy they loved so much....one boy who died more and more inside in front of their eyes each passing day.





	1. Friends

**Author's Note:**

> i know that love hurts  
> when i want to hide in my space  
> i know i can't tell anyone about it  
> i befriend lonesome angels
> 
> -hikikomori-bang yongguk
> 
>  
> 
> Hi~  
> This is the first time i'm gonna write something like this. i don't even know how i'm gonna put the plot in my mind into words and actually publish it. but it's been days and the damn story doesn't leave my head so i have no other choice but!  
> this is gonna be REALLY sad and angsty. so please, just close this if you are sensitive.  
> The story begins from their childhood until they grow up and then goes on from there. there is a ship but i won't put it in the tags cuz i'm evil like that.  
> it won't be long and i'll probably be updating constantly. so... enjoy (suffer) i guess!
> 
> ps. you can follow me on IG ( it's solely for my fics. ) ^ ω ^  
> [@hikikomori_ho](https://www.instagram.com/hikikomori_ho/)

                                       


  


wonho was the tiniest kid in the whole school. as a first grader, there was a certain height and weight kids had to meet by that age but wonho was lacking in both. that made the group of his friends to always be protective of him.


	2. Hyunwoo

 

 

when his mom left him at the school gates, all he could do was cry. he didn’t want to be there. he hated strangers. he didn’t know how to make friends and other kids always called him names he didn’t like.

his father always told him that tears were for the weak and he knew the man was looking at him from his car just across the street. being the only son, he didn’t wanna disappoint his father. sniffling one last time, hyunwoo rubbed his sleeve over his eyes, straightened his back and walked inside.

 

standing alone in one of the lines listening to an old man explain the rules, he couldn’t help but feel eyes on him. having had no friends, he had spent most go his time inside the house, playing with himself at his grandparents’ house while his parents were at work. thus, he was a bit chubby. his country didn’t really have that many chubby kids so it always turned a few heads to him. and there was another reason, too. while nearly everyone was light skinned or did everything to brighten it, he had a chocolate milk kind of hue. which he actually loved but for some reason he couldn’t understand, everyone else mocked him because of it.

 

wanting to escape from all the gazes and the silent whispers he knew was directed at him, he stepped a bit to the side and tried to hide behind the shadows while looking down at his feet. he wanted to cry. he could, now that his father wasn’t around but what if one of the teachers told him when he came to pick him up later on? he swallowed the tears.

 

the old man finished his talk and they divided them into three classes. class A which he was at, was just a few meters from the entrance. as soon as he walked in, he was met with fingers pointing at him.

‘ why are you so dark? ‘

‘ look at his chubby cheeks! ‘

‘ go sit at the very back you fatty. ‘

he wasn’t even that chubby! he just had a few more pounds he could easily lose if he ate less, which he didn’t even wanna think about because food was too delicious to give up.

 

hyunwoo sighed and turned around to go sit at the back just like his classmates had wanted him to. as soon as he did, a kid, who was running, bumped right into him and fell down on his butt.

 

“ ow! “ the kid was really small. hyunwoo wondered if the school had also a pre-school class or something and this boy had just lost his way there.

 

“ i’m sorry. “ he simply said with a blank face, like a robot as everybody always called him, and stretched his hand toward the kid who was pouting and looking up at him, his eyes a bit teary.

his hand was warmly accepted as the tiny kid in a white onesie took it and stood up slowly, rubbing his small butt with his other hand.

 

“ are you okay? “ hyunwoo asked, worried cause the kid’s eyes were still teary. he never had a sibling but he really wanted one. a younger brother, as cute as the one standing in front of him. one he could take care of.

 

the boy looked up at him and hummed with a pout before looking at their linked hands. his eyes widened and for a second hyunwoo was praying not to get another ‘ you are so dark ‘ comment.

 

“ whoa! this is so cool! look! look!!! “ the kid jumped up and down as he pointed at their hands. hyunwoo looked down. his hands were really small in his. and his skin was so pale, he thought he had hit the ground too hard and now he had lost color due to pain.

“ this is so pretty!!! your skin color is just like the hyung i love so much! look! “ the boy took his hand out of his and stood right next to him, pushing their arms together and looking at the difference between the shades. he looked up at him with a big wide gummy smile with his two front teeth missing and giggled.

 

“ wonho! where did you run to? i’ve been searching for you all over. “ another boy, hyunwoo’s height came running in and flicked the little guy’s forehead.

wonho, apparently, put his palms on his forehead as his eyes became teary again and he pouted so deep, hyunwoo thought he would start crying loudly any second now.

 

the boy stood in front of them and threw a look at hyunwoo.

“ Did he bother you? “ he asked wonho who was still pouty.

the second the question left his mouth, wonho shook his head repeatedly and took hyunwoo’s arm in his, smiling brightly again.

“ no, he’s our new friend. his name is…. oh! what’s your name?! “ he looked up at hyunwoo again with his tiny eyebrows lifted up. hyunwoo couldn’t understand how they have become friends but was really happy on the inside now that finally considered him their ‘friend’ , although his face might have not shown it.

“ hyunwoo. “ he said.

“ hyunwoo, this tiny is wonho and i’m kihyun. the teacher is gonna be here soon. you and i are both taller than the others here so we have to go sit at the back. tiny is gonna sit on the first row though.” kihyun laughed and stuck his tongue out at wonho who had kicked him at the nickname probably.

“ i’ll be as big as rain hyung when i grow up. just you watch. “ -tiny- wonho said as he made his way to one of the desks in the front row.

 

“ let’s go hyunwoo. “ kihyun said and dragged him to the back.

he still couldn’t believe someone as small as wonho was a first grader but he knew one thing for sure. he really wanted to be his friend. he just, liked the way he had smiled at him. he wasn’t sure how to feel with kihyun. he had paint on his face, his round chubby face might he add, but his body wasn’t as chubby as him. but there was this awkwardness he couldn’t overcome just yet.

 


	3. Kihyun

kihyun was born in a small town all the way to the south of the country. he had so many friends and places he loved to go every day with his big brother that he literally cried for three days when they moved to the capital.

 

he was 6 and was left completely lonely during the day while waiting for his parents to come back from work. it took them a good month to find a good pre-school for him.

 

the first time he saw wonho, he thought he was one of his classmate’s younger sibling. he was really tiny to be a pre-schooler. his hands were almost half his size and his face was really way younger than his age.

 

kihyun crawled to one corner, playing on his own and minding his own business because he really didn’t know anyone and everyone would be rather mean to him if he talked to them with the southern accent he had.

 

and then, not even two hours in, tiny hands held a piece of paper in front of his face. kihyun looked at the hand and the face with that gummy smile on it in question.

“ your face was funny with the paint you have on it so i drew you. here! “

 

kihyun had this unreasonable obsession with drawing colorful lines on his face. even he didn’t know why he liked it so much. in a way it was his own rebellious way of saying he didn’t like the circumstances of them moving to the big city.

 

taking the paper from the pale hands, he looked at the drawing. his eyes widened and his mouth parted. it was really good, tiny drew him like a manga character.

 

“ this is cute. thanks! “ he smiled wide at the boy who was looking at him expectantly. the boy crouched down in front of him and started pacing his body back and forth.

“ we just moved to korea so i don’t have any friends. i’m wonho. let’s be friends. “ wonho held his small hand in the air for him to shake. kihyun did, expecting the other boy’s skin to be cold because of how pale he looked but it was rather warm.

“ i’m kihyun. i just came to this city as well. “

“ really?! cool! we both are foreigners! “ he giggled as he took kihyun’s other hand and moved them in the air.

“ where were you before here? i w-was at japan. they had awesome ramen there. “ wonho pouted and looked sad visibly at the mention of his supposedly favorite food.

“ i always lived here in korea. i just wasn’t in this city. “

 

they had clicked from that very first day. the way wonho told him all about the theme parks and the Ichiro ramen shop and the cosplay festivals he had gone to while he was in japan. kihyun soon found himself adoring him to the point he just cupped his small face and squished his cheeks when they were eating lunch that day. and then on the second day, wonho had greeted him with a warm hug after running to him all the way from across the hallway, something that became a habit for them after that. kihyun wished they could be friends for a long time.


	4. Hyungwon

“ give it back “ “ i said give it backkkk “

 

he heard a voice screaming.

 

“ then come get it if you want it back so bad “

 

another voice replied as the sound of several other kids laughing followed.

 

“ i told you i can’t. i’m afraid of heights. can’t you just give it back? “

 

he stopped on his track and looked to the side where a small, probably kindergarten kid was jumping up and down with his hands stretched upwards. there were 4 bigger boys, maybe second or third graders, and one of them had a ball that he supposed was this little boy’s. they were standing on the tree branches.

 

“ don’t be such a girl. just climb up and take it. it’s not even that high. “

 

true, the tree wasn’t really that high but the kid was so tiny that it probably looked bigger than it really was to him. plus he was just 4-5. he was too young to be climbing trees.

 

“ most girls can probably climb that tree but i can’t. give it back already or i will kick you when you come down. i do taekwondo. “

 

he raised one of his eyebrows as he continued watching the scene. this kid was talking quite good for such a young age.

 

“ ugh, wonho, just climb the tree already. your father would be so disappointed if he saw this. “

 

he didn’t think much about it but then the kid just went completely silent as he stared at the boy that said it and clenched his tiny fists.

 

“ you’re a really bad person baekho.“ the kid said before turning around and running away.

 

hyungwon followed the direction he went before turning back towards the boys that were now climbing down the tree one by one.

 

“ he’s too spoiled for his own good. such a baby “

 

there was this smug smirk on this boy’s face that made his blood boil. taking fast and heavy steps toward them, he snatched the ball from the boy who was slightly shorter than him and pushed him hard.

 

“ don’t bother him ever again. “ he warned the boy who was quite shocked with his big eyes that his brother had said could scare people if he widened them enough.

 

hyungwon ran to the direction the kid had disappeared to and found him sitting on the stairs that led to an empty park.

 

“ here “ he said, throwing the ball at his direction.

“ i live nearby so you can just tell me from now on if they bullied you again. “

 

the kid caught the ball with a quick reflex and looked up at him. there were a few tears running down his cheeks and his lips were really red.

“ thank you. “ he said quietly and hugged the ball to his chest with both of his tiny arms.

 

hyungwon’s heart broke a bit at seeing the tears that kept landing on the ground and making it’s color darker. walking toward the kid, he sat down beside him and hugged his shoulder.

“ hey! cheer up! you got your ball back, didn’t you? “ he ruffled the boy’s hair but he just didn’t show any reaction. he was really sad.

“ what’s your name? i’m hyungwon. i’m 7 and i live there. “ he pointed across the park where his home was. the boy followed his finger and nodded.

“ i live there. “ he pointed his tiny finger across the park but the opposite side of where hyungwon’s house was. their houses were just across the street from each other. “ and my name is wonho. we’re the same age. “

 

hyungwon’s thought he was messing with him. he was so tiny there was no way they were the same age! sure he was way taller than the average 7 year olds but this boy was just so small!

“ why would you lie to me? “ he asked frowning as he looked at the kid from the side of his eyes and loosening his arm around his shoulders.

“ lie? when did i lie? “ wonho finally looked at him straight in the eye. he was really cute. hyungwon grabbed both of his cheeks and squished him hard, laughing and enjoying the lips that were pushed out.

“ you’re lying to me about your age. we can’t be the same age. just look at you. you’re too - “

“ small? “ wonho pushed his hands away and frowned. “ i know. i’ll be as big as rain one day. “ the tears had stopped but he was still somehow sad and hyungwon didn’t know why. was he that sensitive about his father’s opinion about him? he himself had never really cared that much.

tiny stood up “ thanks for the ball. “ there was a hint of a smile on his face as he turned away and started walking toward his house.

“ wait! let’s go together! “ hyungwon shouted after him as he jumped up. there was something about this little dude, who he still couldn’t believe was the same age as him, that attracted him.

a week later, he found out they both went to the same school. just different classes.


	5. Minhyuk

minhyuk met wonho through hyungwon. him and the taller boy had been friends since kindergarten and hyungwon introduced him to the little boy during the first week of school. they got to know two of wonho’s friends. kihyun and shownu who were both almost as tall as hyungwon.

 

“ oi, eat slowly! you’re gonna choke yourself if you swallow without chewing enough. “ minhyuk flicked wonho’s forehead which immediately turned head although he hadn’t used that much of strength.

“ ow! why would you hit me? “ wonho placed his tiny palm on his forehead and pouted as he looked at him with his innocent eyes.

minhyuk felt like crying for hurting this cute little thing.

“ i’m sorryyyyy “ he hugged him and moved them both side to side on their seats.

wonho didn’t seem to hold a grudge as only mere seconds later he felt how small arms hugged him back but he was so small his hands couldn’t reach each other on his back.

“ you’re too small! “ minhyuk poked wonho’s nose which resulted in the other boy scrunching his nose like a cute bunny. 

“ you’re like a bunny. why are you so cute? i’m gonna protect you forever! “ he hugged wonho again and actually squeezed him so much, to the point that wonho reached out to minhyuk’s back and ask for help from hyungwon who was sitting beside them.

“ hyungwonieee , help me. minhyuk is crazy! “ 

“ min, take it easy on him! he’s so small that if you squeeze him like that, he’ll probably break something. “ hyungwon patted minhyuk’s arm.

he let go of the tiny boy in his arms and without hesitation, wonho went back to inhaling the rest of his food.

“ why are you eating like that? “ kihyun asked, obviously annoyed by the sight and threw a not-so-friendly look to minhyuk.

“ we’re visiting my dad today. mom is gonna pick me up at 1. “ wonho said with his mouth full of rice, making his cheeks puffy and yes, he looked like an actual bunny while chewing so fast.

looking to the big digital clock, it showed 12:59. when it hit 1, wonho, who had his eyes fixed on the numbers, let go of his spoon and got up.

“ see you tomorrow. byeeee “ he waved at them while quickly picking his backpack up and ran to the door.

 

“ is his father sick? “ shownu asked kihyun.

“ no. he’s… dead. but don’t mention it in front of him. he’ll cry. “ kihyun didn’t eat the rest of his food and went after wonho, saying something like his mother never showed up on time and that he was gonna keep him company until she came.

 

minhyuk looked at hyungwon in question. they were friends now, should they go as well? hyungwon nodded and they told shownu that they were joining the two outside and he said he’d go too.

 

“ why isn’t she here yet? she said she’d be here at 1. it’s.. it’s 1:15 “ they heard wonho’s adorable voice say in a winy tone as they stepped in the yard.

“ hey wonho, wanna play a bit while waiting? i brought my ball today. “ hyungwon said as he walked toward the small boy who had his head on kihyun’s lap, face toward the entrance while chewing on his nail.

“ no, i don’t wanna play. “ he replied without even looking at them.

minhyuk’s head came up with an idea that would take the tiny bunny’s mind off of this. it was a bit evil but would do the job. looking around, he picked the first insect he saw, which happened to be a worm that was just crawling out of the dirt.

“ look what i have here wonho. do you wanna kiss it? “ he kept the worm that was trying to free himself violently in front of wonho’s face, so close to his eyes.

the boy’s eyes widened as he screamed really loudly and jumped back and off the bench and started running away. minhyuk followed him as wonho kept shouting at him repeatedly to stop and let the poor worm go.

“ stop. you’re gonna hurt it. and don’t come near me. it’s disgusting! kihyun, help me! “ 

the others must have figured out his plan with their 7-8 year old brains as they didn’t really do anything to stop him. until shownu gripped his wrist and took the worm from him that is. it had been exactly about time that wonho looked like he was about to cry.

“ that’s enough. “ shownu told him and looked at wonho who was still hysteric. “ is that your mom wonho? “ he pointed at a lady in a formal black suit and skirt.

“ mom!! “ tiny wonho screamed and a big smile appeared on his face, making his cheeks stick out with how puffy they got.

the lady smiled back and crouched down, opened his arms and hugged him tightly, kissing both of his cheeks in the process.

“ sorry i’m late. are you ready? “ 

wonho nodded his head frantically. his mother picked his backpack up and smiled at kihyun.

 

“ he cries easily! “ minhyuk snorted. he’s seen wonho on the edge of crying thrice in one morning to noon!

“ he cries ALL the time! “ kihyun sighed deeply as they all went back inside.

minhyuk was happy to have kihyun and shownu as his new friends. but he was more than happy about wonho. there was something about him that made him wanna just take care of him and be there for him whenever he was having a hard time or was waiting for his mom! he made a promise to always be a shoulder for him when he cried.


	6. Jooheon

jooheon was crying endless tears as he hugged his dad as tight as he could and refused to let go. he hated school. he hated the uncomfortable clothes his mom put on him and he hated not having his favorite cereal for breakfast. instead he’d had some stupid rice and soup, his mom saying he should eat healthy from now on.

“ i don’t wanna go. i hate this place. i wanna go back home. “

he actually had to get transferred two months after the school year started due to his dad’s job. he had gotten transferred from a small city to the capital as he got a raise and jooheon and the rest of the family had to come along. he didn’t care. he hated his old school and it’s mean students and he was sure he was gonna hate this one too. other boys always found a way to bully him. always.

 

he was busy crying and hanging on his dad’s limbs when he heard a squeak from behind.

“ woaaaah! is that a bee backpack? it’s soooo cute! “

whoever this voice belonged to, was talking about HIS backpack which happened to be a honeybee.

sniffling, he turned around to see who was gushing over a mere backpack. it was a tiny boy, even tinier than him! in a bunny onesie!who wore a onesie to school? and how could anyone be even small than him? if he was getting bullied because of his size, then this boy had to get actually beat up with how small he was.

“ go away “ he said annoyingly and pursed his lips together.

“ oh! you have dimples! i looooove dimples! look shownu, he has dimples! “ he said jumping up and down and smiling like a fool as he kept hitting this tall and chubby boy next to him and pointing at jooheon.

“ they’re cute! “ the boy, shownu, said and smiled at him, making his eyes disappear just the way his own eyes looked when he smiled.

 

the smaller boy walked toward him and poked his backpack before starting to caress it’s surface with his small palms.

“ do you like bees? “ the boy asked him. jooheon shook his head slowly, inspecting him with his eyes closely.

“ not the real ones. only the fluffy toys and my backpack. “

“ the real ones are scary! one of them bit me last week and it’s still not healed. look” the smaller boy rolled his sleeve up to show him his wound.

jooheon let go of his dad and turned around to be able to look closely as he got curious. the wound looked pretty itchy.

not even 10 seconds later, the bell rang. the boy’s eyes grew wide as he took his hand in his smaller ones and started running and dragging him along.

“ hurry! we shouldn’t be late! “

jooheon looked back at his father who was standing there looking at him with a small and waving at him. maybe this school wouldn’t be so bad if he got to be friends with this boy.

“ what’s your name? i’m wonho. “ he said as they got into the hallway and slowed down. “ i’m jooheon. “


	7. Changkyun

changkyun was not talking to his parents as they drove him to his new school. all his life, he’d been living in America and suddenly, they decided to come back to korea. it was so stupid. why would they want this?

jumping out of the car, he didn’t even look at them and started stumping his feet on the ground toward the entrance.

it was 5 months after the start of school year and he hated being the ‘transformed kid’ and the ‘foreigner’ . he knew he was about to get so much drama because of it.

 

he sat at the back of the class for the whole day until it was lunchtime. everyone was sitting in groups with their friends and there were absolutely no unoccupied tables for him. he decided to take a sandwich and eat in the yard alone.

four days passed with this routine. he had made no friends because he was still hoping that his father would change his mind and they’d go back to america where he belonged and he’d be back to his friends.

but… as the first week passed, he started thinking that maybe this was it. he’d be stuck in this place after all. and he was kind of regretting being gloomy and pushing everyone away with his angry eyes and was now doomed to remain alone.

 

a ball hit his head. he yelped and his sandwich was all over the floor.

“ are you okayyy? minhyuk! i told you to be careful! “ a hand was placed on his shoulder as he was rubbing his head.

looking to the side, he saw worried eyes fixed on him.

“it’s fine “ he replied.

“ hm? your accent is funny! “ the boy said.

“ and you’re too small but you don’t see me making fun of you, right? “ he got annoyed by the comment about his accent. he had heard it a million times already.

“ i wasn’t making fun of it. i like your accent. it’s cute! “ the boy said and giggled, turning his eyes into lines.

“ your sandwich is ruined. let’s go to our table so you can eat with us. “ 

before he could say anything he was being dragged to a table that he kinda always wished could sit at because they seemed really close to each other.

“ i’m wonho. these are kihyun and shownu and hyunglwon and minhyuk and jooheon. ki and shownu and i are in the same class. min and hyungwon are in another class and jooheon is alone in another one. “

“ he’s in my class. but he’s too scary. he always glares at everyone like a wolf.” jooheon said.

changkyun actually remembered this boy because he thought his dimples were cute.

“ i’m changkyun. “ he ignored jooheon’s comment.

“ changkyun is too long. i’m gonna call you kkukkung because you’re as cute as a little puppy “ wonho said as he pinched his cheeks with his fingers before handing him a sandwich.

“ sit next to jooheon in the class. he told me he feels lonely there. AND come eat with us. okay? okay! “ it was like he didn’t even have a say in it. this little boy just demanded him to do things in a cute way and he wasn’t gonna oppose it.

in his little head, he felt like wonho had been his hero, rescuing him from his utter loneliness and painted his dark gloomy world with colors. he couldn’t be more thankful. he was sure he wanted to be there for wonho in his gloomy days.


	8. failure

_‘_ i’m _sorry boys. you can’t see_ wonho _today. come back next month. ‘_

 

 

 

They all had promised to take care of him. they all had wanted to be there for him. yet, they all ended up failing to the point of no return.


	9. History

wonho came from a rich family. His father was a doctor and he had died in a car accident when they lived back in japan. Maybe that’s why her mother chose to move back to korea. she was a dentist.

 

 

wonho.. he was, actually quite cheerful most of the time. he was the heart of their little group of friends. he had been the one to befriend each and every one of them first after all.

 

 

and they had all clicked together. it was weird for seven boys, each with a different taste and with a different family background to get that close. but somehow they did. it probably was because they had wonho as the glue that stuck them together. cuz after he was gone, they all kind of.. just fell apart.

 

 

it all started from elementary school when they began going to the playground together afterward and went to one of their houses to study together. it was a good habit, made them have good grades and none of their parents had anything against it. if anything, they loved that their children could make so many good friends in just the first grade.

 

unlike elementary, in middle school they were all in the same classroom. wonho’s seat was between hyungwon and shownu. in front of them were kihyun and changkyun and to hyungwon’s side sat jooheon and minhyuk.

 

it was all the same until wonho started losing interest in the subjects. he would fall asleep during class or draw stuff instead of paying attention. he got detention a number of times due to it.

 

“ wonho! wake up you idiot. the teacher will see you. “ hyungwon elbowed the sleepyhead that was drooling all over his notebook.

 

wonho flinched and sat up, looked at hyungwon as he rubbed over his ribs where the taller had poked him and pouted.

“ this lesson is stupid. i don’t care who killed who and why centuries ago.”

 

unfortunately, the history teacher heard him say that.

“ could say that again louder please? “ 

wonho noticed every one turning their heads at him and he sank in his chair a bit.

“ sorry.. “ 

“ i didn’t ask for an apology wonho. history is important. these people were important so we have to know them and what they did. “

“ but why? all they did was kill wherever they went, each time with different excuses like enlarging their territories or religion. i don’t wanna know about murderers. i don’t care if everyone sees them as heroes and legends, i don’t. “ he spoke with a quiet voice as he fumbled with his fingers in his hoodie paws, not keeping eye contact with the teacher at all. he got detention again for ‘ not respecting those whose names remained through time. ‘

 

“ this is stupid. our physics’ teacher says time doesn’t actually exist and then history teacher says i should respect those whose names remained through time. does time exist or not?! shouldn’t they come to a single opinion between themselves before teaching us this bullshit? “ wonho sighed and threw a rock to a tree.

 

“ you’re too smart, always questioning things! “ kihyun ruffled his hair.

 

“ just study and go. none of this is gonna come in handy in the future anyway. “ changkyun shrugged, chewing on his gum dramatically.

 

wonho looked to his side at hyungwon.

“ what? “ the taller asked

 

“ don’t wake me up from now on. if i’m gonna get detention either way, i prefer it to be due to sleeping, not talking back at a teacher. “ his eyes were a bit sad.

 

“ you didn’t talk back wonho, you just said your opinion and it’s okay. you should be able to put your thoughts into words and fight for your beliefs.” hyungwon replied. 

 

“ did you read a new book? you’re talking like a grandpa again.” minhyuk mocked him.

 

“ shut up. i like reading. “ the other stuck his tongue out at him as they all laughed. wonho didn’t.

 

he was just looking down at his dangling legs and playing with his fingers as he liked to do often.

 

“ what? “ jooheon nudged him.

 

“ nothing “ wonho shook his head and as soon as he did a tear fell on his sleeve.

 

“ what- why are you crying? wonho?! “ jooheon panicked and jumped down from where they were sitting to be able to look at wonho’s face.

 

everyone’s eyes moved to wonho as they started getting concerned. true that wonho cried a lot, more than all of them but this kind of crying, the one he’d just hide his face and silently shed tears while not willing to talk about it, meant he was really really sad and depressed about something.

 

kihyun got up and walked to wonho, sitting on the ground and hugging him from behind. hyungwon took wonho’s hand in both of his own.

 

“ talk to us? “ minhyuk said as he sat on his other side and made him look at him by the finger under wonho’s chin.

 

“i just… i feel like i’m failing my dad… i-…. he was a doctor, but i can’t even stay awake in class and get detention at least once a week. i’m such a failure.“ he hardly finished his sentence and hid his face in his palms as he started sobbing. 

 

 

 

wonho had grown up physically. he was no longer the smallest member of the group. he had the same height and body size as changkyun now. but he was still as fragile and couldn’t take care of himself much. it had become a tradition for them to group hug whenever one of them was sad or crying but most of the time, it had been wonho they had to comfort. it wouldn’t take much for him to break. he was.. he was what they called pure.. innocent.

 

it had also become a tradition for them to have sleepovers frequently. especially at the times their favorite friend was feeling down. they knew wonho’s mother would be too busy or too tired to really have time for him and he would be left alone in his own head and end up crying again. and that they didn’t want.

 

 

 

“ what do you wanna be when you grow up? “ jooheon asked once they were all laying down on the grass and staring at the night sky.

 

“ i wanna be a model! “ hyungwon replied without any hesitation.

 

“ i wanna be a rock star! “ kihyun raised his fist in the air as he shouted it.

 

“ i think i’ll consider swimming professionally. maybe become a coach.” shownu simply stated.

 

“ i wanna become a scientist like my dad! “ changkyun answered excitedly.

 

“ i think i’ll open a kindergarten or just become a babysitter. “ minhyuk replied nonchalantly.

 

“ let’s open a kindergarten together. i love kids! “ jooheon got up on his elbows and looked at minhyuk with a wide smile. 

 

“ okay! it’s a plan then! “ they high-fived.

 

“ what about you wonho? “ kihyun asked.

 

“ i wanna create things. “ he replied as he drew shapes on the night sky. ones that only he knew what they were.

 

“ like inventing robots and stuff? “ jooheon asked

 

“ nah, inventing is for science nerds like changkyun, i wanna give life to the thoughts in my head. a painting or a sculpture. “ he looked as if he was talking but not aware of what he was saying, only lost in the patterns his index finger was drawing on the starry night. they all exchanged looks between each other but wonho didn’t notice it. sometimes they thought he was an undiscovered genius.

 

 


	10. Art

high school was a different story. they all continued going to the same school and even be in the same class as before. all, but wonho.

 

 

he was always interested in arts. when it was time to choose, he chose it over any kind of science that would be taught at a typical high school. he went to a different one. a school for arts only.

 

 

they couldn’t deny it. it was.. not the same without him. they still played around and laughed and everything but.. but they were missing wonho. they were missing his mischievous eyes when he was about to pull a prank. his giggles at whatever he found funny. actually, his laugh was their favorite, all of them always tried to imitate the sound of his laugh even when he wasn’t around. what they missed the most was just him being there.

 

 

at first, wonho still studied together with them even if their subjects were different. but then he stopped, saying he had to work on projects with his equipment at home and that he had to concentrate so they couldn’t go to his house either. but he went to their daily park visits after school. they would mostly ride their bicycles around, eat and talk about stupid stuff there.

 

 

 he came every day on time. until.. maybe 6 months in the sophomore year, he started coming late, some days he didn’t even come at all.

 

“ why do you think he didn’t come? “ jooheon asked

 

“ maybe he’s got a project to work on, i don’t know. “ kihyun shrugged.

 

“ what if he’s feeling down again? you know he always avoids us when he’s depressed. “ hyungwon added, making everyone worried.

 

“ i don’t know guys. maybe he just found new friends there. i mean he’s really friendly. wouldn’t be hard for people to fall in love with him! and.. it’s not easy coming all the way here every day. “ changkyun said, drawing patterns on the dirt with the stick in his hand.

 

“ i say we go to his school tomorrow. to see if he’s okay and all. “ minhyuk recommended.

 

“ that’s actually a good idea! “ hyunwoo replied.

 

 

the next day, they got on their bikes and went to wonho’s school as they had planned. what they saw wasn’t quite what they’d expected to be confronted with at all.

 

the school was finished and everyone had mostly left by the time they got there. but it wasn’t hard to spot wonho. he had a habit of wearing colorful clothes that would easily catch the eye.

 

there he was, their friend wonho. pinned to a wall and kissing a buff boy with his arms around the guy’s neck. both of them had been so into it that neither of them noticed being watched.

 

they stood there, watching the scene in shock. they had always kind of guessed that wonho might not be quite straight from the way he liked to wear very short shorts and just his whole personality and the fact that men and even young boys were kind of interested in him. but to see this, him being kissed and handled like that, being that much smaller than the other guy fueled their protection senses.

 

 

“ wonho “ hyunwoo called out.

 

 

wonho’s eyes opened wide and pulled away from the guy, whoever the fuck he was and looked around in question until his eyes fell on them. he still had his arms around the guy’s neck.

 

 

“ your friends? “ the buff one asked. wonho looked at them, smiled and nodded.

“ okay then. i’ll leave you to it. see you at the gym? “ he pecked his lips once.

“ okay baekho. see you! “ wonho waved at him and started walking to them, wiping over his mouth on his way.

 

 

“ hey guys! didn’t know you were coming here! what’s up? “ he smiled widely at them as he stretched his hand toward them to shake hands in their own special way. but they were too shocked to shake hands at that moment so they all just remained completely still.

 

 

“ you guys okay?! what’s with these looks you’re giving me?! “ he chuckled and frowned, looking irritated.

 

“ the question is, are _You_ okay? is he forcing himself on you? “ kihyun asked.

 

“ what?! no! don’t be ridiculous! “ wonho snorted and looked away, fixing his shirt.

 

“ aren’t you the one who’s being ridiculous? what the fuck wonho? baekho? out of all people? you do remember how much he used to bully you when you were tiny, right? he made you cry so many times. “ hyungwon was losing his nerves the more he remembered the past.

 

“ he’s changed. he’s actually a sweetheart now. and he’s my boyfriend so ya’ll just gonna have to accept him. “ wonho shrugged and looked at his watch.

 

“ let’s go sit somewhere so we can talk about this. my head is spinning.“ minhyuk said and grabbed wonho’s wrist.

 

“ actually, i kinda have to go. i have to go to the gym. let’s meet in my house tonight, okay?” wonho didn’t wait for an answer as he smiled at them and turned around, running to the direction his bike was and picking his backpack from next to the wall where he’d been kissing baekho earlier.

 

 

“ since when is he interested in exercising?! “ changkyun snorted.

 

“ well he always said he was gonna be as big as rain when he was tiny but then puberty happened and he got tall and i got stuck in my height and became THE tiny member! “ kihyun sighed

 

“ exactly! he hasn’t mentioned anything about wanting to become rain in years! why the sudden interest now?! i thought he was into being a skinny emo when he started growing out his hair! “ jooheon clicked his tongue. they weren’t getting shit about what was going on but they were definitely going to get some answers that night.

 

 

five hours later, they were on the front door of wonho’s house. hyunwoo pressed the bell. their house was big, nothing like those small apartments some of them lived in. no-one opened the door.

“ is he not home yet?! “ kihyun said mostly to himself and looked at his watch.

“ it’s 8. of course he should be home by now. “ changkyun answered “ ring the bell again bro “ he told the oldest.

hyunwoo did and this time after a few minutes the door opened.

walking in, they found the door open but the house was quite empty.

“ up here guys. “ they heard him shouting.

walking up the stairs, they found wonho in front of a canvas board. he had paint all over his white apron and even on his cheek.

“ sorry guys, i have to finish this. it’ll take like 15 minutes. “ he said without even looking away from the board as he continued his work.

they had seen his work a few times the first year but it’s been few months since they last saw any and from the looks of it, wonho had improved insanely.

hyungwon jumped up on the table and sat there. hyunwoo, kihyun, and jooheon sat on the couch. minhyuk sat on the armrest and changkyun just sat right next to wonho, looking up at what he was doing. 

he worked in complete silence and totally focused. a piece of mellow classical music was playing on the expensive looking gramophone. 

and then, 15 minutes later, with a finishing touch, wonho stepped back and looked at what he had created with a satisfied smile on his face.

“ done! “ he screeched as he turned around and smiled widely, making his eyes into the shape of the crescent moon.

[picture](http://www.simplyniceart.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/556.jpg)

to say that they were left breathless was an understatement. the painting was amazing. and for their friend to have come up with it all on himself was crazy.

“ this is absolutely perfect wonho! “ minhyuk said jumping up and hugging him carefully, not to get the paint on his clothes.

“ heh, thanks “  he smiled again “ let me change and then we’ll go downstairs to play. “ 

he put his palette and brush down and took his apron off before he walked to his bedroom’s bathroom.

it didn’t take him long to come back with clean hands, but the paint was still on his cheek.

“ you have paint on your face stupid! “ kihyun said as he chuckled and pushed wonho back into the bathroom to clean it for him.

“ ouch ouch! be gentle ki! “ they heard him whine, probably exaggerating like always.

 

wonho came out again and walked to his wardrobe.

“ holy shit! **wonho!!!!!!!** “ jooheon actually screamed and made the said guy flinch in surprise.

“ what what? “ wonho asked turing around topless with the shirt he was gonna wear in hand.

“ _WHEN DID YOU BECOME SO TONED?_ “  changkyun asked as he walked to him quickly and touched his arms. “ boy you have **muscles!**!! “ 

wonho smiled brightly again and flexed his arm for him.

“ yeah? i told you i was gonna be as big as rain when i grow up. this is only the beginning! “ he winked playfully and pulled his shirt over his head but before he could pull it all the way down, minhyuk joined changkyun in touching his ‘muscles’ 

“ you have 2pack!! wonho!!! “ he looked like a proud parent as he turned to the others “ our baby bunny has **_packs_**!!!!! he’s grown up so well! “ 

hyunwoo laughed at that “ good job won! they look good on you! “ 

“ thanks hyunwoo! “ he smiled warmly and detached minhyuk from himself as he pulled his shirt down and brushed his fingers through his long hair.

wonho walked to the desk hyungwon was sitting on and got the rubber band to tie his hair. after all, they were gonna play video games and he couldn’t let his almost shoulder-length hair get in his eyes.

“ what do you think about my painting? “ he asked from the taller quietly as he searched in his face. hyungwon wasn’t really looking at him.

“ it’s good. “ he shrugged.

“ just good? that makes me sad… “ he said with a sincere pout as his hands fell by his sides after tying his hair.

“ it’s.. really good wonho, what do you want me to say? you obviously drew yourself and that basta-… that boyfriend of yours. i don’t like him so i don’t really like this painting either. but it’s really good nevertheless. “ hyungwon kind of burst at him as wonho stood there, staring in shock with wide eyes and.. he kind of looked hurt. no, he definitely looked hurt.

the room fell into silence.

“ it’s not him. “ that was the very quiet reply before wonho blinked a couple times and turned to the others with a big smile that was obviously fake. they knew how his fake smiles looked by now.

“ let’s go. i got new games for ya’ll! “ he shouted and grabbed minhyuk and changkyun’s hands as they ran out of the room.

“ couldn’t you like.. control your tone or something? “ kihyun scolded hyungwon with an upset impression before following the others.

 

 

====================================================

 

{ A/N: 

hi monbebe~

please stream [Alligator](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3C3hIJg4rHo) and the [comeback](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxVrjos0Svo) stage. do you remember how happy they were winning for shoot out? please let that happen again by supporting them.. if you haven't already, please download starpass app and idol champ app and vote for them. also on mwave. these won't take much time.i really want them to win and i'm really happy we're doing a much better job than previous comebacks but if we don't up our games, i doubt they'll win this cb because well.. 

you can follow [MONSTA X SUPPORT](https://twitter.com/m_onstaxsupport) , [VOTING TEAM](https://twitter.com/VTforMX) and [mxgoesglobal](https://twitter.com/mxgoesglobal) for all the information and the tutorials you need.i hope a day comes when we won't need to be so painfully desperate for all the fans to participate in the supporting the cb promotions need..

thank you to all those who are doing their part in the time being ^^ }

 


	11. Seniors

It had happened too often. ever since the students in wonho’s school found out about him being gay, they started bullying him. one of the boys would get a call and they’d all rush to wherever he was hiding, to find him covered in bruises, blood and tears, shivering nonstop and curled up as much as he could in some corner far away from everyone’s eyes.

 

it was the sixth or seventh time. most of the time it was kihyun who got the call, other times it was hyunwoo.

they were sitting in a circle in the park, waiting for wonho to arrive. they were gonna go watch that new marvel movie together.

 

“ why aren’t you here yet? we’ve been waiting for 30 minutes now. “ hyungwon said into his phone as soon as he picked up, seeing wonho’s name.

 

there were no replies until he heard sniffling and silent sobs. they had heard it too many times already to know exactly what happened.

“ where are you? “ the taller asked quietly. he didn’t even need to explain the situation to the others. they all knew without the need to put it into words.

 

 

 

“ where is your fucking bulky boyfriend in situations like this? how come he’s never there for you when you’re getting beaten to a pulp? “ minhyuk nearly shouted with how angry he was to see their friend like that.

 

“ he’s not here. he went to vienna last week. “ wonho forced the words out of his chapped lips and tried to get his endless tears to stop. he failed.

“ besides, they, they always come after me when he’s not around. and by the time he’s back, i've already healed. “ it was true. wonho’s body healed pretty fast. although his soul’s wounds were permanent.

 

 

wonho looked like shit. it was worst than before this time. his bruises were bigger and he had scratches that were bleeding all over his face. how they had managed to take him home like that was a mystery.

 

 

“ you and your stupid art. if you went to the same school as us, we would protect you no matter what. but you’re too many blocks away. “ hyungwon kicked one of the chairs and caused it to crash on the parquets, making a loud sound.

 

wonho flinched and hugged kihyun’s hand that was carefully cleaning his wounds, tightly.

they all froze for a second, both from the sound and from the way their friend had reacted. he looked so scared just by the mere sound of a chair falling.

 

“ don’t call my art stupid. it’s not. maybe you don’t get it, but my art means everything to me. “ wonho said as his eyes became red with tears again and he stared into hyungwon’s eyes with a hurt expression on his face. kihyun felt how his fingers tightened around his wrist.

 

hyungwon’s tensed face softened as he walked fast steps toward wonho and knelt down in front of him.

“ i’m sorry. i didn’t mean it like that. i love the things you create. all of it. “

the way wonho was looking at him was strange. it was like he was really hurt. he nodded and winced in pain when kihyun resumed cleaning him up.

 

“ hyunwoo, get met some new towels from the kitchen. “ the latter said without looking away from the hurt boy.

“ on it “ hyunwoo immediately ran to the kitchen’s direction and was back with the towels a few seconds later.

 

“ but.. what are all of your muscles for, wonho? why don’t you fight back? “ changkyun said, wiping his own tears away fiercely.

 

“ i… i can’t… “ wonho shook his head “ i can’t hurt anyone. “ he hissed at the coldness of the towel hyunwoo was using to clean the wound on his hand.

 

“ if they’re hurting you, you should hurt them back. put the body you’re working so hard for in use! i bet no one can even guess how ripped you actually are under all the loose hoodies you always wear. “ jooheon said walking a few steps closer to take the dirty towel from kihyun’s hand and giving him a new one. kihyun was just focused on taking care of wonho as it seemed.

 

“ i don’t work out so that i can hit others with my strength. “ he inhaled deeply.

“ it’s okay. two more months and high school ends. “

 

“ but aren’t you going to the same university as baekho afterward? it’s practically a building away from your school and most of the bullies are probably gonna go there. “ hyunwoo said gently.

 

“ no, i already got a scholarship from another university. “

 

 

it was the same that night as it was all the other nights their friend was hurt physically or emotionally. they couldn’t leave him alone knowing his mother would probably come home really late or not at all and he would be drowned in his deepest darkest thoughts. they ended up sleeping in a circle on the ground of wonho’s spacious bedroom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

high school was over and they were all celebrating the end of their misery in wonho’s house in a small party.

everyone was there. all seven of them plus hyungwon and jooheon’s girlfriends. baekho was supposed to be there too but wonho said they had a fight the day before.

it was about 9pm when the said boy appeared on the doorstep. wonho lead him to the kitchen and they all could see how they were arguing about something they couldn’t hear. baekho was furious and wonho was just listening to him angry talk as he drew invisible patterns on the beautiful stone of the counter. wonho said something and shrugged. baekho froze and looked at him with big sad and also very angry eyes. hyungwon and hyunwoo stood up to be alert in case of something going down but then..

then baekho pulled wonho into his arms and hugged him tightly. their friend hugged back and with one last kiss to wonho’s forehead, baekho left. he bumped into hyungwon on his way out and threw him a death glare as if it was his fault that the other guy hadn’t seen him standing there!

 

“ you okay wonho? “ hyunwoo asked as soon as the shorter came to the living room where they all were.

he hummed and brushed his fingers into his long hair, tying them with the hair tie he had on his wrist after he sat between minhyuk and kihyun on the couch.

 

not even ten minutes later, he stood up again.

“ i’m gonna go paint a bit. you guys can be as loud as you want. i’ll close the door. “

 

“ wait, what happened? what did you two argue about? “ kihyun grabbed his wrist.

 

“ we got a sponsor in vienna. baekho wanted me to go with him. i didn’t accept it. “  wonho walked to the stairs but stopped after a he was midway through “ oh, and we broke up. “ as simple as that. there were no emotions in his eyes. it was like he had never felt anything for the guy.

 


	12. changes

they had moved to the big city as all of them got accepted into universities there.

just like high school, they were all at the same university except for wonho. but unlike high school, their universities were only a block away and they couldn’t be happier about it.

they even got a house together. 6 of them were in one apartment and wonho’s mother bought him another one right next to theirs on the same floor. the reason was, wonho really needed his peace and quiet and his mellow classical music while working on his art but he also wanted to be close to his friends so that was the only solution he could come up with.

 

 

it was the day before their classes would begin. they had moved in and settled in their new home.

 

“ where is my tiny? “ minhyuk said as he came inside the apartment and let himself sink on the fluffy couch they’d bought.

 

“ he wasn’t home? “ kihyun asked, walking to the living room from the kitchen with a big popcorn bowl in his hand.

minhyuk only shook his head in response.

 

“ did you check inside? “ hyungwon asked from the other end of the couch.

 

“ just because we know his passcode doesn’t mean we should barge in all the time. “ kihyun walked to the couch and patted hyungwon’s leg “ move “

 

the latter sat up straight and took a fistful of the popcorn.

“ i don’t see what the problem with that could be. “ he shrugged.

 

“ you don’t wanna walk in on him going at it with some random dude, do you? “ hyunwoo asked, looking quite traumatized.

 

“ dude, your face STILL goes pale when you talk about it. “ jooheon laughed his ass off and others joined seeing hyunwoo’s face.

 

“ if you had seen him in the position i did, you’d lose all color as well. “ the latter defended himself and gulped down all the beer in the can.

 

“ can you believe wonho is the most sexually active among us?! i mean… it’s tiny! he’s supposed to be all sweet and innocent and fluffy.. “ changkyun sighed.

 

at that moment, before anyone could reply, their focus landed on the entrance as they heard the sound of the door opening.

“ guys, i have a surprise for you. are you ready?? “ a very hyper wonho came running in. he had a wide smile on his face and his hair was covered with a hat.

but usually his long hair would still stick out of the hats he wore, unless…

 

wonho took the hat off and screamed ‘ SURPRISE ‘ as he threw the hat away dramatically and stretched his arms out on either side of him like he did something miraculous.

which he might have done. because he didn’t only have short hair now but he had short blond hair, making him even more beautiful than he already was.

they were already whipped for their tiny/not-so-tiny-anymore friend’s visuals as it was but now, they were so stunned they couldn’t even get themselves to talk. they just sat there with mouth wide open in awe as they stared.

 

“ what?! is it not good?! “ wonho looked at them one after the other with a pout when none of them showed any reaction. “ the barber was practically drooling and he even gave me his number after he saw the result but i guess it’s not that good, huh? “ he let his hands fall to his sides as he looked down to his feet.

 

“ not that good? NOT THAT GOOD? YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GO OUTSIDE FROM NOW ON. “ minhyuk squealed while running to the sad-looking blond and strangled him in his arms.

“ what? why? is it that bad??? “ wonho looked like he was about to cry.

“ No stupid! “ hyungwon was the second one who made his way toward him and all the others followed suit. “ it’s perfect. beyond perfect. “ the latter said as he ruffled his hair with a huge smile on his plump lips.

“ really?? “ wonho’s face lit up.

“ really really “ hyungwon replied

“ but why does min say i’m not allowed to go out? “ he asked in confusion.

“ probably because you look like a treat now and rude people would want to have a taste. “ kihyun replied pinching his cheek. they all hugged him, attacking him with smooches and words of how beautiful and hot he was.

 

 

 

 

after quite some time of dying over their friend’s new hair, they sat in front of the tv and played the new Avengers.

“ wonho, can you come with me to this audition tomorrow? i don’t wanna go alone.“ hyungwon asked when they paused it for jooheon and changkyun to go get more popcorn.

“ what audition? “ kihyun asked.

“ there’s this modeling audition and it’s in this really huge company. if i manage to get in, it would be just.. just perfect. if i get in, i’ll quit university! “ the tall male said with so much excitement.

“ woah dude! chill! you’re not going to quit the university you studied so hard to get accepted in just because you might get into a modeling company. you know how these things work. they accept you but they can throw you away any second. you should always have a plan B right up your sleeve. “ minhyuk said, actually looking worried.

“ well… i guess you’re right… “ hyungwon said in thought “ but will you? “ he looked back at wonho who was just taking a bite from hyunwoo’s sandwich.

“ of course. “ he said with a full mouth and smiled at him warmly.

 

 

the company building was huge and they got lost in it. hyungwon and wonho had to ask several employees to find their way to the room of the audition.

“ i think they might actually hire you instead of me! “ hyungwon said as he checked out his friend up and down.

“ hm? what are you talking about? “ wonho threw him a questioning look.

“ your face, your hair and this sleeveless thing you’re wearing that shows off your juicy biceps to the whole world?! “ he hit the said pale bicep to make his point.

“ ouch! don’t hit me! “ the shorter moved his arm away from him and rubbed his palm on his skin with a pout.

“ there! the audition room. “ hyungwon looked at the direction the other was pointing at.

“ do you want me to wait outside? “ wonho asked as they reached the door.

“ no.. i’m really nervous. come in with me. it’ll be much better knowing you’re there with me. “ he replied, dragging the other inside by the grip on his shirt.

the first thought hyungwon had when he saw the judge who was apparently the ceo of the modeling company? _‘ damn, he’s hot ‘_

 

 

 

hyungwon got a call informing him he was accepted after a month.


	13. News

“ **WHAT**?! “ they all shouted at the same time.

 

wonho just shrugged.

 

“ wonho.. you just broke up with baekho four months ago. are you sure you’re ready for a new relationship?! “ hyunwoo asked worriedly.

 

the latter just hummed with zero emotion. it was like when he broke up with baekho all over again. it was like he didn’t really care. which was so unlike him. wonho’s nature was caring, loving and ever so sweet.

 

“ who is he even? and why is he so fucking rough? look at those hickeys on your neck.. is he a fucking vampire or something?! “ kihyun said feeling frustrated.

changkyun stroked the disturbed skin of their friend’s neck tenderly.

“ won,,.. these marks are too much.. “ the latter said quietly as he stared at the dark spots on the pale skin.

“ you know my body. they’ll heal in a day. don’t worry. “ wonho said while not stopping his grape-eating activity.

“ who is he? what’s his name? “ jooheon asked with a very dissatisfied look on his face.

“ can’t tell you. he doesn’t like other people knowing he’s gay. “ the muscular one replied and leaned back on changkyun, into his touch.

“ what the actual fuck?! “ minhyuk was beyond annoyed with the dude even though he didn’t know who the hell he was.

“ we’re your best friends since elementary school. you can tell us! “ jooheon insisted.

“ sorry guys. i promised i wouldn’t tell anyone. “ their friend shook his head.

“ and we’re ‘ anyone ‘ to you? are you really gonna throw us under the bus just because some random fucker shows up in your life? does he fuck you that good? “ hyungwon who was only observing the situation till then finally snapped.

the whole apartment went completely silent. it was always like that when hyungwon’s tongue spat venom toward one of them. its usual victim was the blond.

 

at that, wonho’s eyes became teary after having stared at hyungwon with wide eyes for a few seconds. he stood up, having to use force to set himself free from changkyun’s arms and ran out of the apartment.

they remain quiet for a few more seconds until jooheon and minhyuk ran after their friend.

“ i will punch the shit out of you one day chae hyungwon. “ kihyun threw him a death glare before following the previous two to the apartment next door.

 

wonho fell asleep crying silent tears while being enveloped between his bubbly friends, minhyuk and jooheon. but the next day he was back to normal. laughing and joking around with all of them. even hyungwon. their blond friend never held any grudges against anyone after all.

 

 

 

 

 

“ are we going to get drunk as fuck and make a mess of ourselves in the club this weekend or what? “ changkyun asked with a dramatic groan. “ university is _killing_ me and we’ve just started! i need some good amount of alcohol in me to function. “

 

“ i’m definitely in. “ kihyun said immediately before looking down at wonho whose head was on his lap while they sat on the couch. “ you coming too, right? “

he had to ask to make sure because ever since their friend had started dating, it seemed like he was only one call away to jump in his newly bought car, a gift from his grandparents, to get to the guy.

“ how can i ever miss the sight of my six weirdos wasted as fuck?! “ the blond giggled as he replied, eyes still focused on the screen of his phone.

“ i’m in desperate need of some spice. so count me in as well. “ hyungwon sighed deeply.

“ i can’t believe you broke up with your girlfriend just like that! over text! you’re an asshole! at least jooheon broke up with his face to face. “ minhyuk slapped the taller’s shoulder rather hard.

hyungwon shrugged “ don’t care. she was sleeping around with this other dude anyway. besides, i hate long distance relationships. couldn’t keep her even if she was faithful. “

“ i have to practice. the coach will murder me if i ditch again. so i don’t think I can go… “ hyunwoo said with a pout. he got accepted in the university’s swimming team almost immediately.

“ _can i go with?_ “ wonho literally squeaked as he jumped up and looked at the equally buff guy.

“ to my practice? “ the latter asked with wide eyes in surprise. the blond nodded repeatedly in excitement.

“ of course! “ with that answer wonho screamed in victory and bounced on their fluffy couch.

“ oh, sorry guys, i can’t go to the club as i’ll be going with hyunwoo. “ he flashed them a huge grin accompanied by a playful wink.


	14. Darkening

seasons went on and not once did they see this boyfriend wonho had.

they had given up on asking who he was after a million times of not getting any answers. they didn’t know anything about this guy. but they knew one thing. the fact that whoever the fucker was, he was breaking their friend beyond repair.

 

they started getting alarmed when they saw unusual angry hickeys all over wonho’s body. their blond friend wasn’t a fan of much clothing so everything was on display for them to see. the next warning was when they saw red marks around his wrists and ankles. 

“ is he tying you up? “ they had asked.

“ i enjoy being tied up. it’s no biggie. “ was the shrugging answer they got.

 

months went by and wonho started walking around their apartments with clothes on. saying he was feeling cold all the time recently. they couldn’t call it a lie as he was indeed quite cold whenever they touched his skin even in summertime.

 

the ultimate warning was when wonho’s paintings started getting dark. the things he created had always been colorful, a reflection of his feelings inside. but they started getting darker and darker, both in color and in concept. when they asked what was wrong, their friend only said it was the feeling they should be going with for the semester. but the semester finished and the dark works of art remained.

 

 

 

 

“ guys, we HAVE to find who this fucker is. he is clearly abusing wonho and our idiot friend is letting him. “ changkyun said groaning.

 

it had been two years already and they’d had enough of the reasons wonho came up with for the bruises that sometimes he failed to cover. he would always laugh it off saying they got piss drunk and too hot-headed to care what they were doing and that he had left the same marks on his boyfriend’s body as well. even if that was the case, it still didn’t change the fact that the relationship was a toxic one.

 

“ the bruises from last night.. they were.. they looked really painful. they looked like he was actually beaten. just like the ones he had back in high school when he was bullied. only way worse. “ hyungwon said quietly. 

 

“ at least he talked to us and let us get his wounds fixed back in high school. we knew what was up with him. now he just hides away and keeps everything a secret. “ minhyuk said hugging kihyun tightly as tears ran down his face. the events of the night before, how wonho had struggled to even put his passcode in, were still in front of his eyes.

their blond friend was so wasted he couldn’t even stand straight. punching in the digits of the code repeatedly and screaming at it when it didn’t work, resulting in them hearing him and getting out to see their friend covered in bruises all over. because he was completely out of it, they managed to check his body as they helped him shower and get changed into clean clothes before tucking him in bed. wonho was covered in black and blue but there was no actual wound or scratches with blood or stuff. there were only bruises on his paler skin.

 

“ we should check his phone. i don’t care about privacy anymore. i’m ready to do everything not to see him at his last night’s state ever again. “  hyunwoo said messing his hair with his hand in frustration.

 

“ i already have. i keep breaking into his phone but there’s nothing. like ever. it’s like he deletes their conversations rapidly. “ kihyun said.

 

“ do you think, maybe the guy he’s dating is a politician or someone from the government? maybe that’s why wonho has to be so cautious?? “ jooheon said as he downed the nth beer can.

 

“ no, won hates politicians. he would never date one. “ hyungwon shook his head as he bit his lips hard. it was a shit show.

 

 

the bell rang and hyunwoo went to open it.

“ yo! did you eat yet? i got pizza! “ it was wonho in his ever-cheering self. like he didn’t still have the marks visible on his neck and chest and that was only the parts hyunwoo was able to see in his low cut shirt.

“ it’s morning won.. who eats pizza in the morning?! and did you not have that exhibition to go to today? “ he asked as they walked in. well, basically wonho pushed him to the side and walked in and then hyunwoo followed.

“ who said one can’t eat pizza in the morning?! if you don’t wanna then don’t eat. i’ll eat them all by myself. “ the blond said before sticking his tongue out at him.

“ i _SO_ want some pizza in me! you’re a lifesaver tiny! “ jooheon said distracting their friend from facing minhyuk who was trying to wipe his tears away without being noticed.

wonho put the boxes on the table and opened them while they all gathered around it and sat on the floor.

“ so? did the exhibition get canceled or something? “ kihyun asked biting into a slice.

“ no, i just didn’t feel like going. “ their artist friend shrugged and stuffed his mouth with pizza.

“ you didn’t fe- “ hyungwon sighed deeply and gave up on even completing his sentence. 

“ it’s that big painter’s though. you’ve waited for two years for him to hold this exhibition. are you sure you’re gonna miss it? “ minhyuk said as he caressed wonho’s hair with sad eyes. 

they were replied with yet another shrug “ i just wanna sleep in today. gonna go back to bed after i’m stuffed with this pizza. “ 

 

their blond friend wasn’t one to stay at home and miss things. he was always hyper and busy having fun, studying, working out or working on his projects. especially if they were related to art. nothing had ever managed to ruin his mood so much that he’d prefer staying in bed instead.

 

 

 

 


	15. Dancing

“ yo tiny, can you come with me to this party we have at the company next week? we’re supposed to bring a date but i’m single as fuck and since you were the one who helped me get this contract in the first place, i really wanna go with you. “ hyungwon said as he jumped next to wonho on the latter’s king-sized bed.

there was a pause before he got a positive reply with a warm smile. feeling extra happy that he didn’t have to go alone and extra extra happy wonho would be the one to go with him ( wonho really knew how to have fun unlike others who just got piss drunk ) he circled his arms around his muscular friend and squeezed him. he was about to let go when his head turned toward the device in the blond’s hand and he saw the screen. his friend was exchanging messages with someone whose number wasn’t saved in his phone.

before he could read anything, wonho locked his phone and attacked him back with a much tighter hug. hyungwon felt like all air had left his lungs due to the pressure and started coughing dramatically, it made the latter laugh out loud and let go of him. their teasing and playing around went on for several minutes until their laughter died down and they just laid down next to each other on the fluffy bed silently.

everything was fine until hyungwon heard the sound of sniffling.

“ what’s wrong wonho? did i tickle you somewhere you had a bruise? did i hurt you?! tiny,why are you crying? “ he panicked visibly when he turned around and saw the tear-soaked face of his best friend. upon seeing the latter’s state, hyungwon jump up on his knees and made wonho sit up as well as he pulled him into his arms carefully, hugged him as close to his chest as he possible while he strokes his hair.

“ talk to me? “ he whispered softly while feeling his muscular friend’s fists tightening on his shirt.

“ it’s nothing. i just… i don’t know. you know me, i just break into tears for no reason at all.. “ wonho said with a tired chuckle.

“ it’s not for no reason but rather you refuse to share the reason with us. “ hyungwon said as he kissed the top of his friend’s hair like they all did when he was sad.

“ you used to tell us everything. every reason for every single one of your tears or smiles. it breaks my heart to see you holding whatever it is inside for almost three years now. “ 

“ i think i should paint. you can stay but.. i can’t talk to you anymore. i gotta give life to the flood and make it die. “ wonho mostly whispered to himself as he got out of his embrace and out of bed, making his way to his workroom. he didn’t even wipe the tears from his face with how deep in thought he was.

it was always like that. the moment he had an idea about a painting or a sculpture he would just go in his shell, not really aware of anything around him anymore and if he said anything, they wouldn’t understand, just like how hyungwon didn’t get shit at that moment. 

following the latter into his workroom, he sat on a comfortable chair and watched wonho as he put a big canvas on an easel, squeezed colors on his palette and started painting.

he fell asleep there while watching the other create lines over lines on the white surface and when he woke up later, he didn’t really know what was going on in the finished product. they almost never understood unless wonho explained it to them.

“ is it finished? “ he asked softly as he stretched his body.

the blond one hummed in response. “ the guys brought food. let’s eat. i’m starving. “ he was all hyped again like he wasn’t crying in absolute desperation a few hours ago as he grabbed hyungwon’s wrist and dragged him to his living room where the rest of their group was hanging.

 

kihyun was the first one to go in the workroom to see what wonho was working on and the rest of them followed one by one.

[picture](http://cottingham-art.co.uk/img/da-accordion.jpg)

“ mind sharing with us what this painting is about? i stared at it for a good 20 minutes, i think, and i have no idea what’s going on. “ 

“ no offense but all i saw was lines. no shape. just lines. “ changkyun said helplessly. he really wanted to figure a painting out himself just once.

wonho giggled and walked to the easel.

“ it’s about dancing. you know… when the song plays and you dance in many moves. it’s like me. the difference is, for me, many songs are playing all at once and i have to keep dancing to them all. “ their friend chuckled bitterly as he looked down to his feet and walked out of the room.

 

 

 


	16. Stitches

it had been four years since they moved to the big city. they had their last semester left to graduate. 

hyungwon’s modeling career was going perfectly well and there were banners of him all over the country. he attended so many catwalks and runways and had millions of followers on social media. he had wanted to quit the university in their second year but all of them talked to him and convinced him to get his degree no matter how hard it might be with his tight schedules.

hyunwoo was another one of them with no time to rest as he had joined the national swimming team and had to travel around with the team quite often. but even though it was hard and he had to practice all the time, he kept on taking his studies seriously.

the rest of them had their part-time jobs while studying hard for good grades. and as for wonho… well, he kept on dying his hair blond even though his scalp was screaming at him. they couldn’t even really caress his hair as they liked to do anymore cuz it would hurt.

but he had become more muscular over the years. his shoulders were as broad as hyunwoo’s now, if not wider. and his biceps were enough to break a neck in a second. and his thighs had turned into good biting material for them with how thick and delicious they’d become. all in all, shin wonho had turned in one hell of a wet dream. one that all of his art university and even the guys’ university students were thirsting after. but their blond muscular friend kept on seeing that one freak, saying he could never leave him.

 

 

 

 

they still remembered that day vividly. it was the day hyungwon and wonho were going to that party in the model’s previous agency. hyungwon had changed his agency a couple of months after that to a bigger one as his fame kept rising and his contract ended with the old one.

 

“ you are so not wearing that! “ minhyuk grabbed wonho’s shoulder and lead him back to the other’s apartment next to theirs. kihyun and changkyun followed them.

 

“ why? it’s good. they’re clothes. they cover me. isn’t that good enough? “ the blonde whined and resisted to go back but as he almost never used his strength he ended up being in his bedroom with minhyuk’s push.

 

“ you’re going to a party at a fashion agency wonho. you can’t go looking like that! you dress better than this when you just wanna go to the convenience store, what the fuck?! “ kihyun said, biting on an apple.

 

“ besides, you’ll be going as hyungwon’s date. you can’t be looking like that next to a fucking model. the chae hyungwon! he will murder you if he sees this! “ changkyun snorted and went to help minhyuk with choosing a new outfit.

 

wonho huffed in annoyance and left the room for a few minutes before coming back. he smelled like cigarette. something they had discovered about him not long ago. how wonho had kept it a secret for over a year was beyond them.

but while their blond friend wasn’t at his bedroom with them and while they were searching everywhere for something that would fit a fashion agency’s party, they opened a closet and were stunned with what they found.

 

“ wonho?! why do you have a giant closet filled with gift boxes of all sizes?! “ minhyuk asked as soon as the other walked back in the room.

 

“ and why they’re all wrapped still is the more important question! “ changkyun raised an eyebrow at him with one of the smaller boxes in hand.

 

the muscular guy’s facial expression hardened as he looked at them in a way he had never done before. it looked like he was really angry with them at that moment. they had never seen it. wonho had never been..angry before!

their friend walked the steps that separated them, took the box from changkyun’s hand, threw it back in the closet and slammed its door shut with a loud sound.

 

“ get out. “ wonho simply said without looking at them.

they were quite dumbfounded. they didn’t really expect it to be something serious but..

 

“ i said get out. i’m old enough to choose what i wanna wear and open gifts if they matter. now leave. “ he didn’t wait for them to leave as he walked back out of the room and to his balcony to probably smoke again.

they couldn’t let that happen. it was a first and they didn’t know how to fix it but they had to try so they followed him to the balcony after standing in the bedroom in complete silence for long minutes, just looking at each other confused and shocked.

 

 “ tiny, i’m sorry.. i didn’t mean to invade your privacy baby. i.. i was just looking for clothes and opened that closet. i’m really sorry. “ minhyuk said as he back hugged the muscular boy.

wonho puffed on his cigarette and let the smoke out through his nostrils.

 

“ your clothes are gonna stink of this. why are you smoking so much? “ kihyun took the poisonous thing away from his friend’s hand and threw it on the ground.

 

“ we’re really sorry wonhoii. we just wanted to help. hm? hmm? “ changkyun tried being cute as he took wonho’s hand in his and shook it like a little kid. it must have worked as a beautiful smile appeared on the boy’s face.

 

“ i’m gonna change quickly cuz i do really stink of cigarettes now and i don’t want hyungwon to nag me about it. but we’re not talking about the gift boxes again, okay? “ the blond said as he looked at all three of them.

they nodded in understanding.

 

 

 

“ i can’t believe he ditched me as soon as the party was over! how fucking in love can he be?! he left me in the parking lot saying he had to go to his man! “ hyungwon groaned as he let himself sink in the soft couch.

 

“ it’s been 4 hours since you’ve come back and you’ve been salty about it for the exact same amount of time. it’s 2 AM hyungwon. we want to sleep!” jooheon whined dramatically.

 

“ but couldn’t he like, i don’t know, say no to him for one night?! only one fucking night?! we were supposed to go this bar together after the damn party was over. “ the taller said in a harsh tone.

 

“ a bar? he didn’t say anything about a bar though? and were you planning to go without us? traitors! “ hyunwoo shook his head teasingly.

 

“ i didn’t tell him about it. it’s this new bar that has an artistic kind of theme. i wanted to take him there since art is his shit and all. “ hyungwon shifted on the couch and was about to say something again when a loud sound came from outside. it was like something heavy had hit the floor. or..someone.

 

they must have all heard it since they all went silent together to see if any other sound follows. and there it was, a loud desperate groan. if they had kept the record for all the times they had jumped up to rush to wonho, this time broke all of it. they were by the apartment’s door in two seconds and by their friend’s body on the floor in three.

 

“ oh god, oh god. should we call an ambulance? “ minhyuk started shaking right away.

 

“ i.. i don’t know. “ kihyun tried so hard not to tear up as he knelt down and inspected the damage.

 

“ i’m gonna call. it.. this is not something we can fix at home anymore. “ hyungwon said, tears already running down his face silently.

 

wonho was there. body limp on the marble floor completely unconscious. he was so pale and so cold and he was barely breathing. changkyun checked his heartbeat and completely panicked when he felt how weak it was.

“ guys… please do something. he’s.. i don’t want him dead. please. “ he cried out loud as he looked up at them.

 

“ i think it’s quicker if we take him to the hospital ourselves. jooheon, stop crying and get a blanket. we should keep him warm on our way there. “ hyunwoo said firmly as he knelt down beside kihyun and hugged wonho’s body to his chest.  “ plus, we need the blanket to keep all this blood off the car’s seats. “ he whispered under his breath as he blinked the tears away. this wasn’t time to cry.

 

 

 

 

 

“ how is he? “ they circled around the doctor as soon as she came out of the private room.

 

“ he’s gonna be okay. “ the doctor seemed really down.

“ boys, your friend.. he’s completely damaged. the bruises you saw, the cuts and all, they’re just the surface. his body inside is literally a breath away from tearing apart. if whatever happened to him kept happening for a few more minutes, you might have lost him for good. “ 

 

they couldn’t say anything. what could they possibly say anyway?

 

“ any suspicions of who might have done this? it wasn’t one of you, was it? “ the doctor asked, observing them closely.

 

“ of course not. it’s.. this boyfriend he has i guess. the bastard is really rough. “ kihyun replied quickly.

 

“ hmm, figured. anyway, we’ll have to report this to the police since it’s a case of abuse. they’ll talk to your friend once he’s awake and will arrest whoever did this to him. “ she left after that.

 

 

 

wonho was unconscious for a whole day. his broken left arm was splinted and his beautiful face was covered in bruises and scratches. his eye was so swollen that he couldn’t open it when he finally woke up.

 

it was early in the morning, maybe 5 when he groaned in pain first before opening his eyes. that was their cue to go get a doctor. their friend had tried to smile as he told them he’s fine but couldn’t manage. the only thing he managed to say was how glad he was it wasn’t the hand he used to paint that was broken. he fell asleep again not long after from the morphine they gave him.

 

“ you’re not fooling anyone here young man. this is not how someone loves another. tell me his name and we’ll make sure he’ll pay for his actions. “ the police officer had been trying to get a name or any information out of wonho for the past 10 minutes. but so far the answer had been the same.

 

“ i told you officer. i’m really okay. this is nothing. i love him and i won’t give you a name. i don’t want him in jail. i’ve already forgiven him. so can you please stop trying? this’ll all heal in a week. “ the blond said like it was nothing. like he was just slapped on the cheek and nothing more. like he didn’t look half-dead.

in the end, they didn’t manage to make him talk and the police officer left.

 

wonho was home for the first two days after he got discharged. but then he was picked up in the middle of the night while they were all asleep. he left them a note saying he was gonna be at his boyfriend’s for a few days.


	17. Enough

they had graduated. they had partied till the morning. and then wonho had left to the place they all hated. to that man.

 

it was around noon when hyunwoo’s phone started ringing:

 

_‘ we got your number from Shin Wonho’s phone. can you come to the police station? your friend has been arrested for murder. ‘_


	18. knowing

once they arrived at the crowded police station, wonho’s mom and their family lawyer were already there. for someone who was never around, Mrs.Shin had arrived quite fast considering hyunwoo was the one that informed her.

 

their blond friend was sitting on a chair, being embraced by his mother as his body kept on shaking violently and tears kept streaming down his face.

“ it’s okay baby, it’s gonna be alright “ were the whispered mantras that the lady spoke into her son’s ear as she kept on kissing his temple.

 

 

“ wonho, what’s going on? you..what does this mean? “ kihyun was the first one who approached them.

as if he had been waiting for them, wonho jumped out of the chair, out of his mother’s arms and ran to kihyun, hugging him as tight as he could.

“ i didn’t do it. i didn’t mean to. “ he said sobbing loudly and shaking his head frantically.

kihyun hugged him just as tight and started rubbing his back in hopes of calming him down but to no avail.

“ i didn’t do it. i swear. i.. i just.. i just.. i just wanted to push him away. i just- i just pushed him and he fell and- “ he said looking at each of them over kihyun’s shoulder but he couldn’t talk any more than that as he broke down completely.

 

 

 

 

“ it’s my fault. “ hyungwon said after days of silence and crying to himself.

it had been a week since the incident. they had sent wonho to a temporary prison in town until his court date. the atmosphere in their apartment was..it was fucked up. 

 

“ it’s not your fault. how can it be?! “ minhyuk said hugging him.

 

“ it’s my fault. “ the taller repeated. “ if i didn’t ask him to come with me to the auditions four years ago, none of this would’ve happened. “ he paused as a few tears ran down his face again “ all these years and i had no idea the CEO of my agency is such an abuser. “ he hugged his knees to his chest and just cried his heart out.

 

“ wonho decided to date the freak himself and he could have broken up with him but he didn’t. maybe he really did love him, i don’t know. but it’s not time for you to drown in self-pity now hyungwon. our friend, the only one who can’t even hurt a fly, is held in some prison with real criminals, dangerous ones and you’re not allowed to sit here in this home perfectly safe and cry because you’re angry with yourself. “ kihyun snapped before he threw his phone to the side and left the room.

it was just like that. they would cry and cry and then one of them would snap at the other due to the amount of pressure they were under. it was usually kihyun snapping at hyungwon though.

 

“ but.. why didn’t he tell us who he was dating? we tried really hard. why didn’t he want us to know? it’s not like he was some high profile persona.“ changkyun finally spoke the question they had all been confused about.

 

“ my brain is dead. i’ve been thinking and thinking and i can’t come up with anything. he could have told us he is dating hyungwon’s boss. as easy as that. “ jooheon said ruffling his own hair in frustration.

 

“ aren’t you guys being too insensitive about this? how could he tell us that he was being abused by hyungwon’s boss? he would end his contract with the agency right away and of course the bastard didn’t want us to know either because we could easily report him to the police. “ hyunwoo was the one who snapped this time, being quite sick and tired of these kinds of questions. their friend, their fragile friend was held in prison and these boys were talking about these stupid things. none of those mattered now. not when things had turned out the way they did. 


	19. Empty

three times the gravel hit the wooden surface and it was set. despite it being a self-defense case and with actual hospital records of past abuse, wonho ended up sentenced to three years of prison. his grandparents were ready to pay a great amount of money to buy his punishment but their country’s law didn’t work that way.

 

the day of the final court, they weren’t allowed inside. something about it being a private court which was so unusual.

when the big doors opened and the guards took wonho out like he was the most dangerous criminal in the world with cuffs on his wrists and ankles, their friend did his best at smiling at them but it was interrupted with the tears that soon started running down on his now skinny face due to the insane amount of weight he had lost already. the blond boy turned around and left with the guards without saying a word.

 

 

 

7months. they had been visiting every week for the past seven months with his favorite snacks, trying to fool around to make him laugh. and he did. not wholeheartedly but they did hear the beautiful sound of his laughter. that was until he started acting strange. he would start crying in the middle of laughing or just stop talking in the middle of his sentence and freeze for a few seconds. they asked if anything was going on but their answer was always a shake of the head accompanied by a broken smile saying everything was alright. and like that one year of his punishment passed.

 

 

 

 

 _‘_ “ i’m sorry boys. you can’t see wonho today. come back next month. “ the officer who knew even their names by now said when they showed up for their weekly visit.

 

“ what? why? is he okay? “ hyunwoo asked panicking.

 

the officer sighed deeply “ he’s fine. “

 

“ but why can’t we see him then? “ changkyun said clutching onto his bag full of books he had brought for wonho.

 

the officer looked at them thoroughly for a few seconds before answering.

“ wonho beat the shit out of one of the most dangerous men here. we had to transfer the guy to the hospital. he hit him with a pipe in the head and ribs. the guy’s bones are broken all over. wonho’s been sent to solitary for 40 days. “

he paused in thought “ your friend’s a good kid. i really hope this place doesn’t change him that much in the remaining two years he got. “

 

 

 

 

40 days later they came back to visit. they had been sitting there for almost half an hour now. the six of them on one side and wonho on the other. he didn’t talk. not even a single word. he didn’t look at them either. he wasn’t looking at anything in particular.

he looked different. he had shaved his head completely and his lips were all chapped.

 

“ i hate that i can’t hug you right now. “ minhyuk broke the silence.

 

“ we don’t have much time left wonho. talk to us, hm? how’s it going? i know it’s shitty but… but share it with us. please. “ desperation was pouring out of kihyun’s words.

 

“ don’t let it pile up. it’s hard enough as it is. we won’t judge you. ever. please talk to us. “ jooheon said reaching out for their friend’s hand but the guard warned them immediately so he retreated.

 

there were no replies. wonho’s face wasn’t showing any emotions.

 

“ is there anything we can do for you? anything at all? “ hyunwoo said, trying to soften the atmosphere.

 

wonho hummed in response and looked up into each of their eyes with a serious and cold expression. “ don’t come here anymore. i don’t wanna see any of you ever again. “

he stood up and turned around, ready to leave the room.

 

hyungwon jumped out of his seat and grabbed his arm. the guard warned them again but the taller just yelled at the man, saying to please give them a moment.

“ what do you mean by that? why did we do wrong? i get it if you hate me but the others- “ he couldn’t complete his sentence as wonho cut him off.

“ i don’t hate you. any of you. i’m just simply sick of it all. “ he turned around and left.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	20. Wonho: part 1

wonho came from a rich family. but money didn’t mean anything to him. because all the money in the world couldn’t give him back his father.

he was too young when his father died so he didn’t have that many memories. the man had always been busy but he made sure to spend time with his son so the few memories he had were so precious to him.

 _‘ remember wonho, nothing is more important than keeping the purity of your heart. ‘_ the man would say and he couldn’t understand the meaning.

he had drawn each and every one of the memories on paper and through the years, when his sketching skills improved, he drew them again and again until they looked just like a picture taken by a camera. he really missed his dad and he wished he hadn’t lost him in that stupid car accident.

 

he never understood why his mother decided to go back to korea afterward while his grandparents lived in japan. they would be lonely there but at the age of 5, he didn’t really have the words to oppose. and that, going back to korea, was the best and the worst thing at the same time.

 

 

 

wonho considered himself very lucky to have made such good friends. they all loved and cared about him so much even though he was basically a crybaby. they were his safe haven. one he could run to when the whole world seemed unfair, or when he fell down and got the slightest scratch on his skin. he just loved them with all of his 7-year-old heart.

 

 

***********

 

 

when middle school started, he couldn’t be happier about the fact that they were all in one classroom. they no longer had to tell each other about the funny things that happened during class hours because they would all witness it and laugh about it together.

there, in middle school, he sat surrounded by all of them and maybe that’s when he started feeling things. or maybe it was then he understood that the feelings were there all along.

 

the summer before high school was hard. he knew he didn’t have any interest in any of the topics they were gonna be taught. he hated all the math and physics and chemistry and bullshit science. but if he wanted to follow his passion, he would have to separate ways with his precious friends. he lost count of how many nights he stayed awake thinking and overthinking about the decision he had to make. in the end, he decided to go for what made him happy: art.

 

if his feelings in middle school were innocent and of pure adoration, in high school with puberty and all, they hit him full force. at first, he would go to their daily gatherings to study and play around but it was getting harder and harder by day. he would see him and his heartbeat would go crazy. it was even worse if they ended up sitting or lying down next to each other. the longing was new to him and it was making him lose his sanity. so he started ditching the study sessions, saying he had projects to work on and he needed silence. which wasn’t a lie per sé but he still could find a way if he really wanted to be with them.

 

 

sophomore started and he couldn’t help it anymore. despite what his friends thought of him, being a baby an all, his hormones were not going easy on him. the fact that he saw him almost every day in summer or how touchy they all were didn’t help either.

Baekho was older than him by a few years and he went to art university that was right next to his school’s building. they saw each other from afar a few times during his first year but the older would only look at him for a few seconds with an apologetic smile and turn away.

but it all changed halfway through his second year.

 

“ wonho, hey, wonho? “ he heard someone calling him once he got out of the school.

turning around he saw baekho running toward him with his backpack over one shoulder. he didn’t wanna talk to him. the guy had made his life a living hell with all of his bullying and pranks when they were in elementary and he kinda hated him. not really but the feeling was almost there.

he kept on walking toward his bike with faster steps because god only knew what shit the older had in store for him this time and he wasn’t really in the mood for any.

“ hey, “ a hand grabbed his non-existence bicep and stopped him before he could get on his bike.

“ what do you want baekho? i’m tired. “ he said with a serious tone as he looked straight into the guy’s eyes.

“ i-.. do you have time? can we..uh.. can we go grab a bite? or coffee? there’s something i wanna talk to you about.. “ baekho kept looking around when he talked nervously.

“ what’s there to talk about? are you suddenly remorseful for everything you did to me?! “ he snorted as he pushed the hand on his arm away and crouched down to unlock his bike.

“ yes. i.. i wanna apologize for everything. i really really am sorry wonho. but i don’t wanna just say it with words. i really wanna treat you to something. anything you like. “

wonho stood back up and looked at him deep in the eye to see if there was something to it. he couldn’t trust him. but his eyes..they looked sincerely desperate.

“ fine. “ he sighed deeply and couldn’t believe he had agreed on this. the guys would kill him if they knew.

 

 

“ thank you for giving me a chance to apologize. this really means a lot to me.” baekho started talking as soon as they sat down in the restaurant.

wonho looked at him with narrowed eyes. “ is this all another one of your pranks? “

“ what? NO! no! i swear it’s not. i’ve.. i’ve changed won. i really really wanna make things better between us. “ he sighed as his head hung low “ i was a stupid kid back then. thinking i could toughen you up with the things i did. you-“ he raised his head and stared at wonho for a few seconds “ you were really small and vulnerable. it really annoyed me, thinking that someone could easily hurt you if they wanted, you know? and so, in my stupid child-like brain, i thought i was doing the right thing to make you strong by learning how to defend yourself when i pulled pranks on you. “

“ you wanted to make me strong? why? why would you care about me getting hurt in the first place?! “ he said as he sipped on his drink, really confused about what was going on in the dude’s head.

“ because.. “ another deep sigh followed “ you know how kids love another kid with their tiny heart? i…” his eyes traveled back and forth between wonho’s. “ i loved you and i don’t know.. i wanted to make you be able to stand for yourself and not depend on your friends all the time. “ baekho mumbled not really looking at him.

wonho stared at the guy in front of him for a few moments with huge eyes and a blank face until he suddenly burst out laughing. “ you loved me? “

he leaned forward and ruffled the older’s hair playfully “ awww, that’s so cute baekho! “

there was a visible blush on the guy’s face when he gently grabbed his hand to stop him from messing his hair any further. but he didn’t let go. he took his hand in both of his and stroked over his skin with his thumbs.

“ i.. i did. “ he bit on the corner of his lips as he looked back into wonho’s eyes. “ i still do. “

the next minutes were a blur as they just stared at each other. the table was small so they were merely half a meter away from each other. he didn’t know how to feel about the confession. he really disliked the guy in front of him, whose hands were so warm around his, until 30 minutes ago but now, knowing the reasons behind his actions, he couldn’t possibly not like him anymore. he found baekho sweet for wanting him to not get hurt and become strong. it was really nice knowing he was loved for all these years by someone as tough and manly as the muscular guy in front of him. but-

“ thank you for saying that. i really mean it. it’s really sweet but-..” he couldn’t finish his sentence as the other cut him off.

“ but you still hate me. “ the grip on his hand loosened as the other was ready to let go. wonho was fast to put his free hand on the others to keep them there.

“ no. i never really hated you. i disliked you but it wasn't hate. hate is a strong word. i don’t hate anyone. i just… “ he took a deep breath “ there’s someone i love. you know how you loved me since we were kids? it’s the exact same for me. i’m sorry. “ he felt sad for having to reject him like that but there was nothing he could do. he didn’t have emotions for baekho.

“ but- “ the older tightened his hands around his again. “ are you planning on telling him.. or her? “

“ him “ he smiled and shook his head “ and no, i can’t. he’s my best friend and i don’t wanna ruin things between us. for all i know, he’s as straight as it gets. this is a secret i’m gonna take with me to the grave. i can’t let him know. “ now the smile was bitter and his mouth tasted bad. why was the food taking so long?

“ let me help. we’ll.. we’ll take things slow. you don’t have to love or even like me from the start. let’s just exchange numbers and talk. you know? get to know each other. maybe i, or someone else can help you fall out of love with him. you can’t torture yourself with a one-sided love forever wonho. you’re young and there’s still so many years left to live. you deserve to be loved back. “

he thought about it. it was rational. and talking over messages wouldn’t hurt anyone. so, in the end, they did exchange numbers and wonho found himself chatting with the older till late at night. baekho was really sweet and caring. but he wasn’t him.

 

 

“ could you.. um… could you kiss me? “baekho wasn’t him but wonho was losing his sanity. he needed bodily contact. he needed lips on his. hands on his body. for someone to touch him because he couldn’t bear having another inappropriate dream about his best friend.

“ are you sure? “ the older asked as he looked at him. they were sitting on his bed, watching some nonsense drama.

he nodded.

baekho licked his lips and leaned in. it was slow and wonho found himself biting his lips nervously. it was gonna be his first kiss. well, he had accidentally touched the lips of the person he loved by accident with his own when they both turned to face each other all of a sudden before but that didn’t count as a kiss.

finally their lips touched and none of them moved. it was just a touch of soft lips against each other. moments passed and baekho started kissing him properly. he found himself wanting more as he took the fabric of the older’s shirt in his fists and made him move closer.

the muscular guy took the bowl of popcorn from his lap and placed it on the nightstand, all without breaking the slow but sensual kiss, as he got even closer and cupped his face in his palms. wonho parted his lips as an allowance, showing that the older could take the next step and kiss him crazy.

“ wonho, are you really sure about this? if we continue, i’m gonna lose my control. i really want you but i don’t wanna force you into doing anything. “ baekho said as he leaned back the second he felt wonho’s tongue on the skin of his lips.

“ i want it. i want us to go all the way. i really do. i feel like i’ll die if you don’t take me now baekho. “ he breathed out and used the grip he had on the shirt to make them kiss again. baekho didn’t hold himself back anymore as he made love to him that night. it was the best feeling but it would be much better if he hadn’t imagined it to be him he was naked with. or if he hadn’t dreamt of him the second he fell asleep.

 

 

a few days after they started talking with baekho at first, the older had proposed to join him in the gym and that he would be his personal trainer when he found out about his old dream of being as bulky as rain. he had no reason to decline since he loved all the muscles and the lines between them and how beautiful the older’s body was and how good it felt to touch. so he would pick him up every second day after school and they’d go to the gym for a couple of hours until wonho couldn’t even lift a pen anymore. his now boyfriend wasn’t going easy on him at all.

 

“ hey won, how was your day? “ baekho greeted him as soon as he walked out of the building.

“ perfect. my painting got an A+! “ he smiled wide as he hugged the older back.

“ i hope you’re not tired. i have a new set of exercise for you today and it requires lots of energy. “ the older said as they walked to his car.

wonho grabbed his hand and made him stop by the school walls just before the parking lot for the university.

“ kiss me first. “ he pouted his lips and that did the job in making his boyfriend lose his cool and pin him to the wall behind them. they lost themselves in the kiss as they always did until..

“ wonho “ he heard hyunwoo’s voice. he could recognize that voice even in a crowd.

breaking the kiss but not letting go of baekho, he looked around until his eyes found the group of his friends. they had been dating for months but he hadn’t told them, not sure of the reaction he would get and not wanting to admit that he was indeed trying to replace the person he loved with all he had.

baekho was sweet enough to give them privacy as he left for the gym.

it was really funny and kinda stupid to think that his friends were thinking about the older forcing himself on wonho. he was weak and didn’t have the heart to hurt anyone but that didn’t mean he’d let someone take advantage of him. he had enough strength to push people away and say no. it was funny and he would laugh if they weren’t looking at him like that.

 _“ aren’t you the one who’s being ridiculous? what the fuck wonho? baekho? out of all people? you do remember how much he used to bully you when you were tiny, right? he made you cry so many times. “_ hyungwon’s tone was so harsh he wanted to sit down and cry on spot. he had never talked to him with that tone and he didn’t like it. it broke his heart to see how furious the look in the taller’s eyes were.

defending the boyfriend in front of the on he loved hurt more than it probably should have but it wasn’t anything but the truth. baekho had changed and he was indeed his boyfriend. in the end, he used the gym as an excuse to get away from them, get on his bike and ride away as tears blurred his sight.

 

he didn’t go to the gym that day. he couldn’t. he didn’t wanna break baekho’s heart with his tears when the older knew who he really loved. if he could only push that stupid gorgeous face out of his heart and replace the muscular man in it instead..

but life wasn’t that simple now, was it?

he couldn’t help but cry. that look,, the look on his friends’ face, could it mean they were disgusted by his sexuality? it couldn’t right? he couldn’t start hating wonho, right? he sobbed in his dark room alone until a scene came to his mind. one that he and his true love would be walking under the rain with one umbrella for both of them. he didn’t know why and how but he found himself standing by the easel and dragging his brush on the white surface while the tears dried on his cheeks.

he was completely lost in his own fantasy world when the bell rang. it was them. he had told them to come to his house in the afternoon but he’d forgotten.

it was childish but once the painting was over, with the one he loved present in his room, he felt extremely happy. the thought of that becoming reality one day made him utopic, hoping that the other would magically understand his feelings on his own and accept them. but.. his happiness didn’t last long when hyungwon talked and thought it was baekho he had painted when indeed it was none other than the person he had said it. the person he loved was the exact same one who had broken his heart twice that day.

 

 

baekho got his degree before wonho’s senior year and that meant he wasn’t around to pick him up after school anymore. because everyone had seen them kiss and hug around the building, all of the students knew he was gay by then and that was equal to getting bullied in every possible way. he never called his boyfriend to come to pick his bloody and bruised boy up because he didn’t have the heart to face him. he had helped him in the gym to build him up but wonho didn’t wanna see the possible look of disappointment in the older’s eyes when he’d find out he wasn’t able to fight back. he didn’t wanna hurt anyone. hurting others was just not something he had in him and although it hurt so bad, there was nothing he could do about it.

however, those wounds and bruises weren’t the only things that hurt. hyungwon’s harsh words directed at him hurt way more. when on that particular day he called his art stupid, he couldn’t believe his ears. how could the person he loved with all of his heart be so mean? calling his art, the only thing he loved more than the taller, stupid was not okay. but it still didn’t matter. it hurt but it didn’t make him love his best friend any less. if anything, it made him love the latter even more with how he knelt in front of him and apologized with sad eyes. he loved him. he loved hyungwon and there was nothing he could do about it.

 

 

 

***********

 

 

they had worked on this exhibition together with baekho and their work had gotten quite a lot of attention as rather young artists. there was a professor in Vienna who was willing to sponsor them and support them fully so they could bot study and work there. he should have been happy. he should have been on the could nine because of it but he wasn’t. instead, he felt like dying.

loving someone secretly was one thing, but watching the love of your life kissing a girl hungrily and hug her and all the other gross things was another. wonho didn’t even know where the hell that girl came from but one day hyungwon had come with her to the park, introducing her as his girlfriend. he cried nonstop that night and no matter how much his boyfriend called, he didn’t pick up.

that day, he hated the fact that he was a boy. maybe if he was a girl, he would have a shot with his perfect best friend.

baekho kept asking the professor to please give them more time to think as he kept telling wonho they should use this opportunity because it was a huge deal and could be the starting point of their professional career. but he couldn’t really hear him. the older would talk and talk but the words never seemed to reach wonho’s ears. ever since that girl came into their lives, it was like there was some kind of a spell cast on him. one that made him grumpy and low-tempered and extremely sad. but he would cover it all with his usual cheerfulness when he was around his friends. the cheerfulness that had been honest a couple of months ago but now was just a mask to hide what he felt inside.

 

“ how much longer are you gonna keep being blindly in love? hyungwon clearly doesn’t love you back. stop being stubborn about it and give it up already. “ baekho snapped and yelled at him after having tried to talk to him for an hour.

“ i can’t do anything about it, okay? do you think i wanna torture myself like this every day? i can’t. i love him. what do you want me to do? “ wonho said back with his voice raised a bit but nowhere near the level his boyfriend’s had been.

“ i want you to fucking come with me to Vienna and forget this asshole who doesn’t even care enough to figure there’s something wrong with your behavior. “ the yelling continued and tears started flowing again as he stood in the middle of the room with his hands hung on his sides.

“ don’t call him that. “ he mumbled between his quiet sobs as the older closed the distance between them and hugged him in his arms, gently rubbing his back.

“ i’m sorry. i just don’t like the guy. i hate how desperate he makes you feel. come with me. please. maybe being away will help you forget him. “ baekho said quietly into his ear.

“ no “ he didn’t know what got into him when he pushed the guy away. “ i can never leave him. ever. if it means i’’’ get my heart broken a million times a day so be it. i don’t care. i can never leave him. “ he was the one who was yelling this time before he ran out of the older’s house all the way to his own.

 

the next day, the guys came to his house to have a ‘graduation party’. hyungwon and jooheon’s girlfriends were there as well and he just made himself busy playing games or do something in the kitchen to not be around the couple in the living room. he didn’t even tell baekho about today because he didn’t wanna talk about those things all over again. but then the guy came to his door.

“ hey… can we talk? “ his eyes were sad but he was visibly forcing himself to smile.

he led them both to the kitchen.

“ wonho, please, it’s our last chance. the professor said to tell her our final decision by the end of the day. please open your eyes. “ the older said furiously but he didn’t even look at him. he was just drawing hyungwon’s facial features on the stone of the kitchen counter with his index finger.

“ i’m not gonna let this opportunity go. if you don’t come with me, i’ll go alone. “ the older sounded angry and desperate at the same time.

“ then just go. “ he said and shrugged without even looking at the guy.

baekho froze and stared at him with teary eyes that by each passing second transferred into anger. hyungwon and hyunwoo must have been watching them as they both stood up and got a couple of steps closer to where they were standing. but there was nothing they needed to be worried about as baekho pulled wonho into a desperate and tight hug.

“ i know you love him but know that one day, when you realize you can’t sacrifice your all for him, you can come to me. i’m always gonna be there when you finally come to your senses. “

wonho hugged him back. he liked baekho. he did but he couldn’t leave the person he loved behind. they stayed like that for a few seconds until baekho leaned back, kissed his forehead in a long-lasting touch of his lips on his skin and left. he could feel the hatred the older felt toward hyungwon in the way he purposefully bumped into the taller on his way out.

 

“ you okay wonho? “ hyunwoo asked and he hummed without even really knowing what the question was. everything was a blur to him. he sat on the couch and tied his long hair that was beginning to get on his nerves. he was lost in his head until his eyes landed on the couple being all lovey-dovey right in front of his eyes. he tried to bear it. he tried his best but he couldn’t do it. he hated the way the girl’s hands were all over hyungwon’s body and how the taller giggled in return.

he used the desire to paint as an excuse to leave the scene. when his friend asked about what happened between him and baekho, he simply said that they had broken up. he didn’t like baekho at that moment. he had used his body mass to push hyungwon to the side on his way out and to wonho, anyone who talked bad of hyungwon or wanted him away was evil.

 

 

***********

 

 

his poor attempts to both wanting and not wanting to be close to hyungwon had resulted in him getting a separate apartment right next to his friends. he couldn’t possibly live with him under one roof but couldn’t stay away either.

the sadness, the desperation and the void they left behind made him wanna fill it with something, anything and that’s why he started sleeping around. picking someone at the bar and just spend a night or two until he moved to another. they didn’t mean to be anything, they were just one night stands. after baekho, after breaking the poor guy’s heart like that, he didn’t wanna be in a relationship with anyone else ever. he wasn’t a bad person but what he did to his ex was beyond unfair and he hated himself for it.

 

he wanted to change. he wanted to change something in hopes that he and his feelings would change as well so without further thought, he opened the door to the first barbershop his eyes laid on.

“ cut my hair. and i want you to dye it. i don’t have any idea about the color or the style so just do what you think best fits me. “

and that’s how he ended up with blond hair. a change that was supposed to help him maybe get over hyungwon but..

but when hyungwon walked toward him and looked at him with his big eyes full of affection like that and said it was ‘ beyond perfect’ and when the taller’s long fingers traveled through his new hair and ruffled it, he knew his plans had already failed. he could never get over hyungwon. ever. the man was too perfect to be unloved.

things only got more exciting when out of everyone, the taller asked _him_ to accompany him to this audition he was going to the following day. he had no reason not to agree. it had been a long long time since the both of them had spent time alone with just the two of them and he was gonna chase it with all he had.

 

looking in the mirror after he had showered, he thanked the barber a million times in his head for choosing the perfect style and color for him. he really loved it. he loved how it made him look. how the blond matched with the pale color of his skin. he had decided to dress up for today the best he could so he started with light green contact lenses and styled his hair. going through all of his clothes, he decided on a sleeveless white loose shirt and light blue ripped jeans. one last look in the mirror, told him he had done a good job before he left his apartment.

he must have indeed done a good job when hyungwon complimented him with those words like never before:

_“ your face, your hair and this sleeveless thing you’re wearing that shows off your juicy biceps to the whole world?! “_

it took every will power in him not to kiss hyungwon and confess to him right then and there.

 

his best friend had asked him to go inside with him but he wished he hadn’t accepted to do so. the CEO guy was a creep. he could feel his eyes on him all throughout the audition and it made him feel dirty for no reason at all. he wanted to reach out and pull the table cloth over his face and body so that the man wouldn’t be able to see him anymore. but no-one else must have realized as no-one said anything. the company took wonho’s number as a replacement for hyungwon’s in case he got accepted and they couldn’t reach the taller.

 

it was merely a week later when he got a call in the evening.

“ hello? “ it was an unknown ID.

“ hi. is this Shin wonho? “ a man said.

“ yes. “ he replied, placing the palette on the table.

“ i’m the CEO of the agency mr. chae auditioned at a week ago. he passed the first round but we want to do a background check on him before he gets accepted. i want to have a private meeting with you to talk about him. “ the man said patiently.

“ o-okay.. when do you want to meet? “ he couldn’t quite understand the logic but if it was for hyungwon, he would go through with it.

“ tonight, if that’s okay with you. and don’t tell anyone about it. it’s our secret policy that we don’t want anyone to know about. “

he blinked a few times, trying to make sense of it all but he honestly couldn’t.

“ tonight is good. should i come to the agency? “ he said nevertheless.

“ no. i’ll send someone to pick you up. just text me your address. “ he hung up right after that.

 

 


	21. Wonho: part 2

wonho asked the driver where they were going as soon as the car started moving.

 _“ we’re going to Mr. Kim’s house. “_ had been the only answer he got.

Mr. Kim’s house happened to be in the suburbs and it was huge. it was almost as big as his grandparents’ house in tokyo.

he was lead to a study room and was told to wait for the boss.

 

“ wonho. it’s so nice to see you again. “

he didn’t know what to say to that as it was definitely not nice for him to see the creepy middle-aged man again. he had felt so intimidated and somehow small under his gaze the first time they met at the audition.

“ come. sit with me. “ Mr.Kim sat down on a big couch and patted the spot next to him.

wonho however, walked to the armchair in front of the couch and sat there.

“ coffee? “ the middle-aged man asked.

“ no thank you. it’s kinda late for coffee. “ he answered, feeling more uneasy by the minute. it was the way the older looked at him. he really didn’t like it. it was like he was prey of some sort.

Mr.Kim smiled at him and poured himself a glass of wine without asking him if he wanted some. did this person think he was underaged or something?! but he decided not to address his thought aloud.

“ you.. wanted to talk about hyungwon? what do you want to know? we’ve been best friends since elementary school. i know everything about him. “ he shifted in his chair and tried to keep his eyes on the man’s. he didn’t wanna seem weak even if everything in his head screamed at him to run away. it was really strange.

“ do you? “ the way it was said resembled pure sarcasm but again, he didn’t say anything and only nodded.

“ i indeed said that i wanted to talk about chae hyungwon and we’ll get there in a few but before that.. “ Mr.Kim twirled his wine in the glass as he looked at him from head to toe like he was scanning him.

“ tell me wonho, do you have a boyfriend? “

the question caught him off guard.

“ why is that relevant and why do you just assume i’m gay? “ he looked back toward the door without any reason.

“ please! gays can recognize one another easily. “ the man winked at him and placed his glass on the table that was between them.

“ i’m just gonna go ahead and say it. i want you. i wanted to have you since the second you step foot in the audition’s hall. so even if you have a boyfriend, you’re gonna have to break up. “

“ **W-What?!** “ his eyes were as wide as they could get as his voice raised without his intention. was this man crazy or something?!

“ i’m not an object you can purchase Mr.Kim. and i’m not interested. “

“ but i have the perfect price. i don’t think you can refuse to sell yourself to me. “ the ceo leaned back on the couch calmly and observed him.

“ i have everything i want. “ wonho said with a deep frown.

“ i can give you more. _but_ it’s not about ‘things’, it’s about a person. your dear ‘best friend’ “ there was a nasty grin on that disgusting face. he didn’t know what was going on so he didn’t find anything in his mind to say. he just wanted to leave that place ASAP.

“ you see, i was really sad when you left the other day after chae hyungwon’s audition finished. i thought i had to give up this perfection of yours. but then! “ the man chuckled and licked over his lips “ then your best friend started flirting with me when we met by accident at a bar, he got drunk and let me have my way with him. and while i don’t find boys like him quite attractive, i decided to use him to get to you my dear wonho. “

everything was confusing. this man saying he wanted him was confusing. the fact that hyungwon, if what this freak was saying was true, had flirted with this piece of trash was confusing. his best friend of many years letting a man fuck him was confusing. he found himself wanting to throw up. hyungwon wasn’t gay. he had a girlfriend and wonho had seen them making out several times. his best friend was quite dominant. he couldn’t be gay and even if, there was no way he was a bottom. oh god, what if-

“ did you rape my friend? “ his voice was so quiet like he was scared to even hear himself say such a horrible thing.

“ rape? no! “ the man laughed like it was funny. “ as i said, he was the one who started flirting and he basically threw himself at me. “ the ceo stood up and walked to his desk, took the laptop and came back to sit on the couch.

“ there’s no way. hyungwon is Not gay. and even- “ he went short on oxygen and had to stop talking to take a few shaky deep breaths “ even if he is, why should you sleeping with him, make me accept being with you? “

“ that! my beloved, is the most exciting part of this plot. “ the man smiled nastily at him and placed the laptop in front of him on the table. there was a video that played when the older man played the space button and sat back. it was hyungwon. oh god it was hyungwon. naked and on all fours for this freak to take him in the most vulnerable way. he was a moaning mess and wonho couldn’t help the tears that started rolling down his face without him really being aware. after a couple of minutes, he couldn’t possibly see or hear any more of it so he shut the laptop with force.

“ guess you don’t know him all that well after all, huh? “ there was a pause as the man leaned forward so that their faces were really close. wonho was sitting on the edge of the chair and ready to run out of that hell house.

“ this is my price. i want you and i always get the things i want. if you don’t accept me, i will spread this video with hyungwon’s profile attached to it everywhere. i’ll make sure no modeling agency will ever hire him. you don’t wanna ruin your best friend’s life and dreams, do you? “

his head was dizzy and his heart was pounding against his chest. he couldn’t really breath but the tears had long stopped due to the panic and what it was all suggesting.

“ there there “ the freak patted his hair two times and wiped the remaining tears from his eyes with his thumb. wonho’s body jerked due to the sudden action and he leaned back, away from the disgusting touch.

“ w-w-why would you force me into something like this? you took a video of my friend like this so you can fuck me once? is this all worth it? “

“ once? oh wonho! i don’t wanna fuck you once baby. i want you to be mine. i really like you and i don’t want anyone else but _you_. “

“ i can’t do this. “ he said as he shook his head frantically and stood up.

“ then hyungwon’s life will be forever ruined in this traditional country. “ the man picked his glass up and took a long sip.

“ i’ll give you a week to think about it. don’t disappoint me baby. “ he winked at wonho and gestured toward the door, showing that he could leave.

 

 

 

***********

 

 

 

it was late when he got home. he had refused to let the driver of that bastard take him back and walked all the way back to his place. his feet were tired, he couldn’t really feel them anymore when he got out of his shoes and went straight to the bathroom. he sat under the shower in the tub for a very long time.

would the man really do it or was it all a bluff? he wouldn’t destroy a young boy’s life like that, would he? a ceo of such a big agency wouldn’t do something that dirty, right? but then, what if it was all true if he refused? hyungwon’s video would end up everywhere and his chance of ever getting a modeling contract would vanish into thin air. and not to forget the fact that they were living in a very conservative country and the taller’s parents were quite stiff when it was about anything other than heterosexuality. he could use his grandparents’ money for quickly getting rid of online spreading but what if the maniac sent the video privately to other agencies? then hyungwon would go to auditions, clowning himself and getting rejected over and over again probably without really knowing the reason himself.

 

when he laid down on his bed, he tried so hard but couldn’t sleep. then he got a message from hyungwon. it was a meme that was supposed to make him laugh but didn’t.

 _‘ can you come here? ‘_ he texted the taller.

 _‘ be there in a sec ‘_ was the fast reply he got.

 

the sound of digits echoed in his silent apartment and not even a minute later, hyungwon entered his bedroom with fast steps and turned the lights on instantly.

“ are you okay? did something happen? “

the taller’s eyes were wide and worry was written all over his face as he approached wonho and lifted his shirt up, looked over his skin and turned his face from side to side as he investigated him all over probably in search of a bruise or something.

“ i’m fine. nothing happened. “ he said and grabbed the thin wrist and made the other lie down next to him on his bed.

“ what is it then? you came home really late tonight. were you…” hyungwon cleared his throat “ were you with someone? “ he made himself comfortable next to wonho and wrapped his arms around him as he pulled the blond closer to his body and caressed his hair gently.

“ no “ he started drawing patterns on the other’s clothed chest subconsciously. the gesture always made him calm.

“ i was just walking around the city. “ his lips were moving against the taller’s bicep.

“ why? “ hyungwon’s voice was calm and low, it entered his soul and soothed his ached heart a lot.

“ i had some things to think about. “ he paused and before the other could ask him anything else he talked again.

“ hyungwon “

the taller hummed in reply as he played with the blond hair between his bony fingers.

“ how much do you love modeling? like, if there was something stopping you from becoming one, how would you feel? “ he looked up at those big eyes that were looking down at him.

“ i… “ the taller pouted his lips in thought “ i really love modeling, i like my major in uni but i love _Love_ modeling, you know? i’ll try my very best to become one and i won’t stop until i succeed. “

there was a beautiful smile on that perfect face and wonho knew. he knew he’d do anything it took for his best friend, for the person he loved with his whole heart, to achieve what he wanted. his body healed faster than others and his built was strong, he could do it. he could do it. he could do it…could he? there was no other way.

 

 

***********

 

 

“ i’ll accept but i have my conditions. “ he said to the middle-aged man standing in front of him.

“ go ahead. “

“ i won’t ever move in with you. no-one can know about this, not even hyungwon. and you’ll have to hire him with a promising contract and high salary. if you don’t make him famous i will break our deal as there wouldn’t be any point to it. “ he said firmly and felt his body get colder with each step the other man took toward him.

“ i promise. i’ll do everything to keep you for myself forever. “ the man whispered right into his face when he wasn’t any farther than half a step away from him.

“ now “ a hand slid down his arm and ended up on the small of his back, pulling him toward the other man “ let me have a taste “ the ceo leaned in and licked over wonho’s lips without any warning. he flinched, stepped backward and pushed the man away in an instant.

“ i think it’ll take me a while to tame you baby. but don’t worry, i’ll love every second of it. “

 

 

 

 

the hickeys on his neck were big and angry. if someone didn’t know they were ‘love’ marks, they’d think he was hit. which is exactly what his friends thought at first when he entered their apartment. that’s why he had to tell them of his new ‘boyfriend’ although he felt disgusted and dead inside. to call that bastard a boyfriend made him wanna puke all of his organs and just die.

he was doing a good job at keeping himself composed until hyungwon snapped at him like he always did in situations like this.

_‘_ _does he fuck you that good? ‘_

he wanted to say that no, the sex had been nothing but awful, painful and not pleasurable as he hated every second of it but he couldn’t. he had promised to himself that he’d do this for his own love and that he’d never tell anyone about it. but he couldn’t help getting hurt by the very person he was doing it all for.

 

 

***********

 

 

Kim, that’s what wonho started calling him after a couple of months, had called him just the day before and there was a good chance he wouldn’t call him over the weekend again. so when his friends suggested going to a club that night, he was all in. well, that was until hyungwon went on and said he wanted to pick someone up there and he just knew he couldn’t bear the sight. he hated seeing the taller with girls. he hated how he’d circle his long arms around their shoulder or how he’d pin them to the bar’s wall while making out. he just couldn’t. that’s why he ended up using hyunwoo as an excuse and went to the swimmer’s practice with him.

“ you okay tiny? you seem really out of it. “ hyunwoo asked a couple of times and every time he answered him with a shake of his head and a smile “ everything’s perfect. “

 

 

***********

 

 

2 years. it was exactly that day two years ago when he sealed the deal with the devil.

wonho was standing in front of the mirror naked, looking at his bruised body. the man had gone really rough the night before.

it was always like that. he’d get so fed up. he’d tell the fucker that he’d leave and he’d walk out, only to be dragged back inside and reminded by the fact that the video still existed in all of its glory. those days always ended in an angry fuck and him being badly beaten up.

he hated wearing clothes at home. he didn’t feel comfortable with the feeling of some fabric on his skin but a few months into his ‘relationship’ he just had to keep his clothes on. he had to hide the bruises as well as he could. but that wasn’t all that was to it. he started feeling cold. really cold, and maybe it was because he was always afraid of the call that could come any minute and he would have to go and get used to his very limit all over again. he hated it. he couldn’t even look at the bright oil colors he owned anymore. all he used recently were the dark ones. he had to go and buy more because he was running out of them.

 

on this particular night, after a big fight that resulted in him getting slapped like never before, he ran out of kim’s house. he didn’t know how much he ran or to which direction, he only knew that he had ended up in a bar and it was a good thing. because there were drinks. he got so drunk that when he barely managed to give the right address to the taxi driver and get to the floor of his apartment, he couldn’t put the right password in no matter how many times he tried.

“ **_why the fuck don’t you open? did you become my enemy too? “_** he screamed at the door and then his knees gave out **_“please, not you too “_** he sobbed and punched the door with his fist, helplessly hoping that it would make it magically open so that he could get inside and hide in the safe zone of his home. he didn’t remember anything after that as everything went black.

 

 

***********

 

 

Almost three years in and he didn’t really feel his art anymore. he’d pick up the palette and the brush and stand in front of the easel but nothing would come to him. and if it did, it was all about the desperate void inside him. he wanted his old self back.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are only one or two chapters left depending on what ending i decide on.


	22. Wonho: part 3

standing in front of his wardrobe wrapped in his towel, wonho couldn’t think of anything to wear. the only thing on his mind was how badly he needed to smoke.

 

 

smoking had never crossed his mind. he always hated the smell it left even if it was one of those expensive, high-quality ones that mixed with the equally expensive cologne of the person who wore it but it all changed one year into his so-called relationship.

one night, he had started crying on the bed right after the man was done with him. that bastard had hugged him, kissed all over his face and apologized over and over again in his ear for having gone too rough just like he always did after he was done. when wonho didn’t calm down, kim lit up a cigar and offered it to him. he didn’t take it and turned his face to the side, trying to escape the man on top of him. the latter didn’t let him be. he gripped wonho’s face with his hand, squeezed his cheeks to have him part his lips a bit. he took a long puff from the cigar, closed his mouth to keep the smoke in and kissed wonho right after. he felt hot air in his mouth, entering his throat and it burnt. he wanted to cough it out but then fingers blocked his nostrils and the lips that were still on his didn’t let him breathe and he had to swallow all that smoke right into his lungs. and it felt good. it was like his body and mind relaxed as soon as the toxic smoke entered his system. he stopped struggling and looked the man in the eye with his teary ones. when the other knew he had been successful he let go and offered the cigar to him again. he accepted it. it took a while for him to find the type of smoke he liked but when he finally did, a heavy cherry scented one, he couldn’t go a day without at least one-third of the packet. it made him feel better. at least for as long as he was puffing on it.

 

“ hyungwon will kill me. they’ll all kill me when they smell the smoke on me. “ he said when he put his clothes back on that day.

“ here. “ kim handed him a cologne. “ it’ll cover the smell just fine. it’s strong enough to do so. “ it did. they didn’t find out until about two years later and it had been one hell of a day and such a headache to wonho.

 

“ what the fuck are you even thinking? really wonho? really? “ kihyun snapped once they got into the boys’ apartment, breaking the silent treatment that he had given him all the way there. well, after having snatched his precious cigarette out of his hand in the middle of the street and throwing it away.

“ what’s going on? “ hyunwoo asked, hearing the outburst of the shorter.

“ i caught this idiot smoking outside. SMOKING. “ the boy threw a nasty look at wonho and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

they were all there but none of them said anything for a couple of seconds.

“ wonho? “ jooheon said hesitantly “ you..smoke? “

he hummed in reply and walked to the couch, sitting next to changkyun and resting his head on the latter’s shoulder.

“ since when? “ minhyuk asked and got up from his seat to sit on the floor in front of him.

“ a couple years ago i guess? i don’t know. “ he shrugged and played with changkyun’s fingers in his hands. his friend was the only one that was chill with stuff like this so he knew he wasn’t gonna get any shit from him, thus his choice of person to sit next to.

“ a..couple of.. _years_?! “ hyungwon started talking in a whisper but ended up bursting his last word. before he knew it, wonho was being dragged by the grip on his wrist by the taller to the entrance.

“ we gotta talk. “ it was the most serious tone he had ever heard from his best friend but at that moment he didn’t care. he was just annoyed with all of this. so he stopped on his track, easily getting out of hyungwon’s grip and walked to a spot away from all of them.

“ can ya’ll not?! it’s just cigarette, okay? don’t make a fuss out of it like it’s drugs or something! “ he looked away from the eyes to the side at hyungwon “ and no, there’s nothing to talk about. you’re not my dad and you don’t get to tell me what to do and what not to do. “ he couldn’t let hyungwon lecture him when it was all because of him. he didn’t blame the other one bit but the least they could do was to let him be.

“ no, but i get to be concerned and want you to quit it since this shit can get you killed. “ hyungwon snapped at him.

“ meh. everyone dies at one point. “ he muttered and looked down at his feet. no-one said anything as they just kind of only stared at him. was it something he said? it was true though, wasn’t it? “ i think we’re done here? i’m really tired so i’ll go to bed. nighty “ he practically fled to his house next door.

 

 

 

sighing deeply, he took the towel off and went for the ugliest clothes he could possibly combine together to wear for the company party hyungwon asked him to go to with. it wasn’t really his intention to ‘look bad’ but it just sort of happened. kim was going to be there and he knew he’d get quite the attitude and punishment for going there with his friend, who the ceo knew wonho was deeply in love with, but he hadn’t been able to say no.

hyungwon was laying by his side on his bed, asking him to go to the party as his _date_ with that look in his big beautiful eyes and wonho, .. he just couldn’t reject the offer. he felt so incredibly and unbelievably happy for it for the few minutes they spent fooling around and tickling each other until they stopped and it all rained down on him; the fact that they were never gonna be a thing. not with him being chained to kim and not with hyungwon being straight although he had slept with the ceo which wonho still couldn’t understand shit about. the only highlight of that night had been how warm hyungwon’s embrace had felt when he held him in his arms to calm him down. they all hugged and kissed him on his temples and cheeks all the time but with the taller, it always felt different. it _meant_ something. something that no-one could ever know of.

 

 

looking at himself in the mirror, he was utterly disgusted by how terrible he looked but couldn’t care less. it was his childish way of getting back at kim, showing up to his party looking bad as fuck and all. it was stupid and he knew it damn well but when you couldn’t do anything else, the smallest things made your heart feel just a tiny bit lighter.

sighing for the millionth time, he went for a cigarette although he had promised himself not to smoke today because hyungwon hated the smell and he didn’t wanna make him upset at the day of his company’s party. but he couldn’t take it anymore. his mind was all over the place and if he let himself go just for one second, he would break into endless tears. he couldn’t let that happen so a smoke or two was the alternative.

walking aimlessly in his apartment, he ended up in his workplace and in front of one of his recent paintings. the one he had painted with hyungwon sitting there on the chair and falling asleep in the middle. wonho had spent a long time sitting on the floor and just looking at him. at how peaceful he looked while curling up like that on the comfy armchair, lips slightly parted and hair messy from their goofing around earlier. he loved him. but he couldn’t have him. kim wanted him all to himself, wanted him to love him back and cut all ties with his friends. hyungwon and the rest of their friends wanted him to open up, to tell them about what was eating him up and to quit smoking. his mother wanted him to agree to go to america together because she wouldn’t leave him here alone. and his grandparents wanted him to go to japan because apparently art had a better audience there than korea. no-one seemed to really care about what _he_ wanted. and it hurt. he felt alone and imprisoned by all the eyes on him at the same time. and that’s how the painting came to life. him dancing endlessly to somehow fulfill every desire.

 

 

 

his peace and quiet was short-lived as three of his friends, kihyun minhyuk and changkyun, came to pester him nonstop for his choice of outfit. he left the room not wanting to argue any further and when he came back, he found that closet opened. the one he hated with every cell of his body. they, his supposedly best friends, had opened that damned closet and had the audacity to question him about it. he lost it. he had never been anything but nice and caring toward them but at that moment, he.. he hated them for opening it.

“ get out. “

the words came out of his mouth before he could really process anything. they were gifts that kim had given him every time they met. each time, right when he was about to leave or when he had just arrived, he was handed a gift, wrapped nicely with ribbons and all, accompanied by a disgusting kiss on his forehead. the feeling of those dirty lips on his skin made him want to puke all he had ever eaten in his entire life. he never opened them. not one. he just dumped them in that closet because he didn’t dare to throw them away in case someday the man went crazy about where all of his gifts were. he knew very well that kim knew he never opened any of it. “ did you like my present? “ he would always ask and wonho would always shrug in avoidance because he knew the nice and peace vibe would die as soon as the man would rip his clothes apart and get horny like a wild beast.

 

 

 

“ i’m gonna go to the bathroom. “ he had to get out of there to be able to breathe for a minute or two.

the party hall was packed but he had felt the man’s heavy gaze on him all through the night. the more hyungwon talked to him and the more the taller touched him while doing so, kim’s eyes turned angrier. he was good at covering it all but wonho knew. he had seen the look far too many times already to miss it. it was an understatement to say he was scared of what was waiting for him after this.

“ will you be okay? do you want me to come with? “ hyungwon asked, putting his champagne down on the table.

“ i’m an adult hyungwon! i think i can handle going to the bathroom alone pretty fine! “ he chuckled and looked at his friend a little longer than needed before leaving the hall.

 

“ having fun? “ the low husky voice sent a shiver down his spine. the older man was leaning on the wall, looking at him through the bathroom mirror.

“ not really “ he answered shortly and continued washing his hands.

“ why not? you’re here with the love of your life, aren’t you? “ his shoes echoed in the space as he walked toward wonho.

“ are you testing my patience boy? “ fingers ran through his hair and tugged on it ever so roughly. pain shoot through his scalp and he closed his eyes tightly to endure it as he let his head being pulled backward.

“ answer me. “ the older hissed in his ear and he flinched.

“ he just didn’t have anyone to come with. he asked me so he wouldn’t be alone. there’s nothing more to it. “ his voice was little due to the pain and the fear of someone hearing their conversation in the public bathroom.

“ when the party’s over, i’ll be waiting for you in the back of the building. don’t you dare go back home with _him._ “ with a last tug, kim let go of his head. “ besides, you should get punished for this mess you created, don’t you think? “

he was able to breath again once the man left. tears started collecting in his eyes and he was shaking like crazy. he felt so cold that he was sure even five layers of blankets wouldn’t make him warm. but he didn’t let the tears roll down. he couldn’t. it would be all too obvious and he didn’t wanna worry hyungwon who was probably already coming to look for him since it’s been a while.

 

“ are you okay?! what took you so long? “ he was right. as soon as he walked out of the bathroom, he saw the taller walking fast toward him.

hyungwon cupped his face and looked at him with worried eyes from head to toe. “ what happened wonho? something happened, i’m sure of it. tell me. “

“ what?! don’t be ridiculous! nothing happened! “ he chuckled and smiled widely. one he knew how to fake to not be suspected. taking hyungwon’s hands in his, he pulled his hands away from his face and immediately walked past him to create a bit of distance since he was sure kim had eyes everywhere.

“ i just got a call and it took me a while. “ he shrugged as he ran his fingers through his hair, remembering that the tug must have messed it up a bit.

hyungwon stood still for a few seconds in silence before following him. “ fine, don’t tell me. it’s not like you ever do… “ there was a deep sigh before the taller came right next to him and circled his arm around his shoulder with a smiley face. “ they’re about to show us the new collection. i’m sure you’ll like it too. let’s hurry before they start. “

 

 

it hurt. his body hurt all over and he didn’t have any strength left to keep his arms up to prevent his face from getting hit as well. he had been used first but when kim’s anger didn’t go away, he had started beating him up. wonho seriously thought he’d die there. that’s how lifeless he felt and probably looked. maybe that was what made the bastard stop and get on his knees, hugging him to his chest in sudden fear.

“ wonho? wonho baby answer me. “ he knew his name was being called but he couldn’t even see or figure out whose voice it was. it was all a blur. his vision constantly went black before coming back in pieces again. he felt a hot liquid running down his face and some other parts of his body but he didn’t know what it was. he just wanted to stop feeling it on his skin. he just wanted it all to stop. “ let me go. “ he mumbled helplessly.

“ never. i love you too much for that. “ he heard someone say before it all went black again.

 

the next time he was aware of his surroundings, he was in a hospital. he didn’t know what happened or how he ended up there. but everything came back to him once he tried to move and the insane amount of pain shot through his body. his hand.. his left hand was broken. that bastard…

“ for fuck’s sake wonho. you can’t possibly be so in love that you’re still protecting this piece of shit. tell the police his identity and they’ll make him pay. “ hyungwon was yelling at him despite the nurse’s pleas to tone it down. it made his ear ring and he had to close his eyes for seconds to get rid of the dizziness.

“ i don’t know what you’re talking about. i’m fine. i’ll be fine. “ he said under his breath, trying to smile. he didn’t know if he had succeeded doing so.


	23. Wonho: part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***WARNING***  
> sensitive content ahead.

two days since his discharging from the hospital and wonho was losing his mind. it was nice and he knew his friends meant well but all the extra attention and them trying to keep him away from his phone and getting info out of him was tiring him out. he didn’t even know why he was feeling this way when usually he was over the moon to get this amount of affection from his friends. ever since that day, when he saw death with his own eyes, it was like something in him had actually died. he’d get annoyed real fast and snap at them from time to time. he’d apologize right after but it wouldn’t change the fact that it happened in the first place. so.. he escaped. it was hard and he had to endure a great amount of pain to sneak out of his very own apartment without them noticing it, but he managed somehow. only leaving a note saying that he was gonna stay at his boyfriend’s while actually, he was just escaping to a village out of town by the sea all on his own. he stayed there for about two weeks at a bed and breakfast.

every night, past midnight when everyone was asleep and the shore was empty, wonho would go for a walk. he’d walk for hours until he got to a cliff. every night, he’d go up to the very edge and he’d stand there, looking down at the sea underneath thinking of ending it all. life didn’t seem to have a purpose anymore. before it was hyungwon and his art. now it was neither of them. he loved them both still but had none any longer. and every night he would come back to the room he was staying at, ripping his clothes off his body while tears kept streaming down his face and he’d cry himself to sleep, refusing to take painkillers for his injuries just to have something that occupied his mind and distracted him from the scary thoughts he’d had while standing on that edge. he wished he’d left with baekho back then.

 

speaking of the devil, his ex showed up at a restaurant he was eating at one day out of the blue.

“ wonho?! hey! “ the older came to him with eyes so wide with excitement from seeing him there.

“ what are you doing here?! it’s in the middle of no-where! “ his smile was short-lived when he got close enough to see how damaged wonho was. arm in a splint and bruises all over.

“ hey “ he said, forcing himself to smile although somewhere deep inside he was really happy to meet the older there. he would have jumped up and hugged his ex if he didn’t feel empty inside.

“ what… happened? where are the others? where’s hyungwon? “ baekho asked with concerned eyes only focused on him as he stepped closer and knelt in front of him. the older caressed the splint ever so gently and within a second a tear or two rolled down on his face.

“ who did this? tell me and i’ll kill them. “ baekho looked up straight into his eyes. wonho could see it all. the desperation, the anger and the hurt.

“ i’m here alone. kinda escaped from everyone and everything.. “ he said quietly as he looked away.

“ stand up and sit on the chair baekho. your knees are gonna get hurt like this. “ he patted the older’s shoulder and pointed at the seat in front of him.

his ex did as he was told and wiped his tears away in the process, sniffling endlessly.

“ i’m really thankful you’re worried but can we please not talk about it? please? “ he tried to convince the older with the sadness that must have shown in his eyes. after all, it was all he felt: unlimited sadness.

“ but…” baekho started but paused and took a deep breath. “ okay… if this is what you want.. okay “ he nodded and smiled crookedly.

“ so? what are you doing here? i thought you left to Vienna? “ he asked, moving in his seat and wincing at the pain that shot through his body. baekho reacted fast as he stood up and leaned toward him in panic, not knowing what to do.

“ it’s fine! “ he chuckled and gestured for the older to relax.

the latter pursed his lips as his eyebrows furrowed while staring at him. “ i’m just here to visit my grandparents. they live here. “ he gave up on whatever he wanted to say and said that instead as he sat back down.

“ hmm.. “ he hummed and sipped on his cola. “ i.. “ he bit his lip, not knowing if he had the right to say what he wanted to say. “ i missed you. “ he only dared to glance at the older for a second before his eyes darted back on his plate. “ i hate myself for how we ended things. i was really harsh toward you. i’m… i’m really sorry… “

“ hey “ he felt a warm hand on his own that was on the table, squeezing gently. “ look at me wonho. “

he looked up and he couldn’t take it anymore. he burst into tears. baekho stood up and circled the table so fast, hugging him carefully the second he was by his side and caressing his hair.

“ it’s okay. it’s gonna be okay. i’m here for you. i’ll always be here for you. it’s okay. “ the sweet voice whispering in his ear did make him feel better even if it was only for the moment.

“ you know.. the professor’s still sulky about you not coming with me. she said you’d grab quite a lot of attention if you did. “ they were walking on the shore, hand in hand with the calming sound of the waves breaking the nighttime silence.

“ i wish i had. lately i’ve been thinking about it a lot and it’s probably the one thing i regret. not going with you when i had the chance… “ he kicked the sand with his foot as he let his mouth speak without him realizing the content.

“ you still can. it’s not too late. with your talent i’m sure we can find you a sponsor. “ baekho stopped on his track and made him turn so that they were facing each other.

“ it’s not about sponsors. you know how rich my family is. i can go wherever i want but… i can’t. i have to go back to seoul in a few days although i hate the city with every cell in my body. i can’t go anywhere while i’m alive. “ he laughed without a reason and started walking ahead, leaving the older behind.

 

 

the sound of the clock ticking was the only thing breaking the absolute silence of his room. his ex had to leave two days after because he had a ticket for Vienna and he couldn’t delay it no matter how much he wanted to do so.

wonho was laying on the comfortable bed, hand keeping his cellphone in the air in front of his face, staring at the new contact. baekho’s number. the older had told him that even though they were half a world apart, he was always gonna be a call away.

his moment of precious old memories with the man didn’t last long as his screen lit up in an incoming call. it was hyungwon. he and the others had called a million times already. he had ignored them all. along with the lovingly threatening messages from the ceo. he wanted to not care. to say a big fuck it all and let the ceo do whatever he wanted. to reveal whatever video he had if he wanted to but he knew he wouldn’t be able to live with himself knowing that he had ruined his best friend’s life. even if he didn’t love hyungwon the way he did, he still wouldn’t let something like that happen to the taller.

the call ended but a second later his notifications exploded with the latter’s multiple texts.

_‘ are you okay? ‘_

_‘ i’m worried sick ‘_

_‘ please answer my calls ‘_

_‘ or just text me ‘_

_‘ wonho please ‘_

_‘ we’re dying here. ‘_

_‘ no one knows where you are ‘_

_‘ i called your mom ‘_

_‘ she said she hadn’t seen you either ‘_

_‘ did we do something wrong? ‘_

_‘ i’m sorry we questioned you so much ‘_

_‘ i’m so sorry, please come back? ‘_

_‘ i swear we won’t bother you again ‘_

_‘ if you love him, then..’_

_‘ then we’ll back off.. ‘_

_‘ please…’_

_‘ i miss you…’_

 

“ i miss you too “ he whispered in the darkness of the room and threw his arm over his eyes, crying himself to sleep yet again.

 

 

 

going back wasn’t easy. knowing that he would, once more, become a toy to please a maniac. but it wasn’t like he had a choice. not while he was alive and not while kim was.

surprisingly and fortunately neither of them pestered him about where he was and what he had been up to. not his friends and not the ceo. both sides had just been happy that he was back. embracing him and feeling happy that he no longer had the splint on and was fully healed.

 

nothing went easy. kim was as rough as ever, no, he became rougher and his anger management issues became worse. one wrong step and the man would explode. it was all a mess. a fucked-up, painful and unimaginable mess.

wonho spent most of his days at the gym. working out and pouring all of his anger and desperation into the weights he lifted. he became more muscular, his shoulders wider and his biceps and thighs bigger. the man didn’t complain about his enhancing size. he must’ve loved wrecking such a muscular and strong-looking young man under himself a few times a week. wonho had wanted to stop dying his hair but every time his roots were showing more than 5 centimeters, kim would tell him to re-doing them. the damage went to the point, that if he was asleep and one of his friends decided it was a good idea to caress his hair, he’d jump up in pain. now you could only imagine the pain he suffered from the tugs on his hair while the man was ‘making love’ to him.

 

 

 

4 years and they all graduated. they partied all night and just when wonho was about to pass out from the exhaustion and all the alcohol he had drunk, his phone lit up.

_‘ i’m waiting for you in the back. ‘_

sighing, he unlocked it and started typing “ in’ tored “ he had meant to type ‘ i’m tired ‘ but he was too wasted to see the keys correctly.

 _‘ come quickly. ‘_ had been the ignorant reply he got and although he groaned, he got up to go do his duty.

 

“ you reek of alcohol. disgusting. “ kim covered his nose as soon as wonho got into the car.

“ i to-ld you i’m tired “ he shrugged and sank into the seat, his eyes closing all on his own.

“ oh that was what it was?! well then, you can sleep while i’m having my way with you. i don’t care. “ the man said as he started the car.

“ hmmm, you never do. “ he mumbled and made himself more comfortable on the seat. he was asleep the rest of the long way to the ceo’s house.

 

“ wake up “ he felt light slaps on his cheeks that actually hurt because he was hungover and everything felt way more intense than it really was.

“ leave me alone asshole “ he pushed the hand away from his face and groaned as he hid his face in the fabric of the car seat.

“ get out of the car wonho. right now. “ the deep voice demanded.

“ fine. fine. i’m your bitch, aren’t i? i’m just there to obey whatever bullshit you say. fucking and beating endlessly. “ he struggled in getting out and keeping himself standing. god only knows how much he had drunk. not to add the whole packet he had smoked. and they were heavy cigarette.

“ you know.. “ he chuckled and looked at the man in the eye “ i’ve always wondered, how can an old fuck like you have such a strong libido? you’re like an actual beast and i don’t mean it in a good way! “ he burst out laughing as he walked into the house, not caring if the man was coming or not. he just wanted a surface he could clash on and go unconscious.

“ watch it “ he didn’t know whether it was a warning to his words or for him to watch his steps as it was synchronized with the exact moment he stumbled on his own feet and kim grabbed his arm to keep him from falling.

“ let me go you dirty piece of trash. i hate you. i hate you so fucking much. there’s not a day i don’t think about killing myself just so i can get away from you and your disgusting touch. i hate you. i hate myself because of you. “ he stood right in the man’s face and said the words right into his face like he had always wanted to but never had the courage until now. it was the alcohol’s effect but it still felt euphoric. “ i. hate. you “ he mouthed every word loud and clear for the other to hear.

he didn’t register what happened next but when he gained his consciousness back he was pressed against a wall. he must have gotten on the old man’s nerves.

“ look at you “ he chuckled “ big bad wolf “ he managed to lift his hand and slap the man’s cheek a couple of times lightly “ what are you gonna do this time? are you gonna tie me up again? put a leash on me and drag me all over? whip me? fuck me until i go unconscious? what is it? i doubt there’s anything left you haven’t done. “ he chuckled again and tugged on the man’s black hair roughly. “ when you do this, i feel like my skin is gonna rip off of my head. it hurts so bad and i keep screaming it but you never listen. you don’t care because you’re trash. i really wanna kill myself so that you won’t have anyone to go all out on anymore. or will you find yourself a new whore? i don’t know… i just petty the one who’s coming after me. “ he couldn’t go on longer when the fingers that had wrapped around his neck before him noticing it started tightening and cutting off his air.

“ you have a big mouth when you’re drunk, don’t you? how should i teach you your lesson this time? “ the man tightened his fingers even further and wonho’s eyes became teary but he still hadn’t registered the situation quite well in his state.

“ i think i should paint that pretty pale skin of yours with a hot spoon or something. what do you think? do you like that? “ it took a few seconds for him to get what the words implied. his eyes widened as he realized he seriously couldn’t breathe anymore.

“ let go “ he managed to say as he patted the hands on his neck.

“ what are you gonna do if i don’t? you wanna die, don’t you? so why don’t you let me kill you if you hate me that much? “ the fingers let go of his neck and he received a very hard slap that threw him on the floor with how forceful it was.

wonho winced in pain and felt dizzy while taking deep breaths to compensate for the lost oxygen.

“ you’re insane. i wanna die but i don’t want my death to be by your hands. you ruined my life enough as it is. “ he got up to his feet and yelled it all out as he pushed the man away from himself.

kim flew backward and landed on the floor. wonho must’ve used his real strength this time in his state of mind without controlling it.

breathing roughly he let himself fall to the floor a few steps away from the maniac. the absolute silence didn’t seem strange to him until his breathing pattern had calmed down and he realized just how quiet it was.

looking up, he saw that the man was still on the floor. “ what? you playing dead now? “ he chuckled and looked still. when the man didn’t move even one bit after several minutes of him staring at the body, he started panicking.

“ get up. it’s not funny! “ he crawled on the floor cuz he couldn’t get his trembling limbs to stand up. “ get the fuck up! “ he felt his heart dropping to his stomach and stared at all the redness on the white tiles of the floor.

“ is this your new game? terrifying me to death? get up kim, it’s really not funny. “ no matter how many times he slapped him or shook him there was no response. he wasn’t breathing, his heart wasn’t beating and the vein on his neck wasn’t pulsing.

falling back on his arms, he felt his lungs closing. he had killed him. but… but he only pushed him. he just pushed him. that was all he did. how did he end up dead from one little push? it didn’t make sense. it couldn’t have been wonho. please, please let it not be because of me. he cried and repeated over and over again. i didn’t kill him. i didn’t kill him. i didn’t..

he didn’t know how many hours he spent crying, trembling and bouncing back and forth by the man’s lifeless body.

the sun rays traveled along the corpse and up wonho’s spread out legs until they hit his eyes and made him wince in discomfort. his tears had dried on his face and his skin felt heavy with all the dried salt on it but he didn’t care. sitting up, he got his phone out and pressed the three buttons: _‘ 911, what’s the emergency? ‘_

his life was officially over.

 

 


	24. Wonho: part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***warning***  
> sensitive content

everything was in a blur. not because it went by fast, but because he broke down so many times they had to give him pills to keep him from panicking over and over again. when he was finally back to his senses he was already in the cell he was going to spend the next three years of his life in.

 

the prison was scary. it was quiet at night but the whispers sent shiver after shiver down his spine. he didn’t dare make a single sound or move a single inch. he was in a cell with three other men. all looking like they had killed to pay bills their entire lives. wonho was in big trouble this time and there was no way of escaping it.

 

but the intimidating men sleeping in the small cell didn’t make tears collect in his eyes every night. the face of the person he loved so much still, did.

 

back at the police station, when his friends arrived and he jumped up and hugged the first one who approached him, kihyun, he had seen the look on hyungwon’s face over his friend’s shoulder.

 

hyungwon was looking at him with wide hesitant eyes. standing there with at least three meters distance between them, not running away but not coming closer either. wonho had waited, had anticipated his doubts, repeating over and over again that it wasn’t something he had meant to do and that all that had happened was nothing but an accident but the moment he laid eyes on the taller it was all over. there was no point in explaining himself if he, they, were looking at him the way they did. there was no point in anything if they truly doubted him, thinking that he could actually be capable of doing such a horrible thing.

 

 

prison life was much worse than what was portrayed in tv shows and movies. it was hell by all means. especially for _‘ a pretty boy like himself. ‘_

 

for the first seven months, he had tried to fight it. to stay strong for his own sake, thinking that he would be set free in a mere three years and for the sake of his friends who came to visit him every week without exception.

there had been fights, bullying, threats and all sorts of prison things he had endured. his cell-mates had surprisingly turned out to be good enough people to protect him once some trashy man decided he was allowed to lay hands on wonho without his consent. those times, the guards had acted fast, taking control of the situation before it got out of hand and someone ended up hurt.

 

the next three months weren’t as easy. one particular bastard had tried to force himself on wonho countless times and he had almost been successful a few times if someone hadn’t come to his rescue. he was growing tired of it all. why was it that everyone always pushed him to his very limits? was there something like ‘ hey, i can’t defend myself. please abuse me. ‘ written on his forehead or something? he was losing his mind and it had only been a year.

 

 

 

“ wonho, it’s your shift to clean the hell bathroom. get up and get to work. “

‘ the hell bathroom ‘ was what they called the bathroom area in the far end of the prison were only high ranking criminals were kept. it was really dangerous and so many people had died there over the years due to several reasons that it had been named as such accordingly.

 

“ but i cleaned there like two weeks ago. there are so many other prisoners here. why me? “ he didn’t move from his bed. he was so out of mood and tired and upset that he didn’t even wanna think about having to clean all those disgusting stalls.

 

“ don’t question it. i don’t write the board. now get your ass up before i make you. i won’t treat you like a princess like everyone else does just because you’re pretty. “

 

he clicked his tongue and got up, glaring at the person saying it on his way out of the cell.

“ careful of ghosts there. you know how vulnerable you can be. you’ll have to man up if you wanna survive in this place. “

there was a spice to how the man had said it. he was someone who had been telling wonho to ‘man up’ , whatever stupid shit that even meant, but this time, it was like it meant something was about to happen and he had to do something about it. something that required him _not_ being vulnerable.

 

minding his own business and cleaning the bathrooms while having to swallow the urge to vomit every two seconds, he heard steps getting closer. his first thought was to hide in a stall and lock it. it would be a good solution if the stalls did have damn doors in the first place.

 

“ oh, look! if it isn’t my favorite boy! “ he knew the voice by heart. it was the same criminal who had tried to make him _‘his whore’_. saying something like he wanted a pretty boy like him to hold his pocket like that boy did for T-Bag in prison break. it was utterly disgusting and wonho always had the desire to punch the guy till his face exploded every time he as much breathed in the same room as him.

 

he didn’t react. he just straight out ignored the guy while he took a piss right in front of his face and talked and talked about how he would make him beg on his knees and all the other detailed _fun_ stuff wonho had no interest in knowing of.

 

the man was done and wonho thought he left. only that he had thought wrong and a minute later something smacked against his head, tearing his skin apart and making the blood run down his face and disturb his eyesight.

 

turning around horrified, he saw the exact same bastard standing there with a devilish grin all over his ugly face. he went out of it due to the hit on his head for a few seconds and when he regained his consciousness, even if it was only partially, he was pressed down on the bathroom floor he had yet to clean. the poor excuse of a human being had hovered over him, keeping him in place by his body weight and showing his sickening teeth to him, whispering things wonho couldn’t really hear with all the buzzing in his ears.

 

he didn’t know what took over him but at that moment, it was like he let all the anger free and took it all out on the man above him. he didn’t know how he had managed to switch their positions but what he did know was that beating the shit out of him had felt good. so good that he couldn’t get himself to stop. he kept punching him, kicking him and hitting him with the pipe he found nearby and he didn’t even wanna stop when guards came running in, probably because of the man’s endless pleas for help. they took hold of him, pushed him down on the floor and cuffed him thoroughly as he struggled to set himself free. he wasn’t yet satisfied with the man’s state and he had to make sure the bastard had learned his lesson. that he shouldn’t even dare get near wonho ever again.

 

they first brought him to the doctor’s room. they had to stitch his head so they mindlessly shaved his head without even asking for his permission. it wasn’t like he was even conscious for it or that they would listen to him had he said no but at that point, he didn’t even care anymore. he was in a fucking prison and he was sick of the black roots and the remaining blond anyway. a shaved head was the least of his problems.

 

“ did you really beat that giant yourself wonho? “ the prison boss asked him once the doctor had cleaned the blood off his face enough for him to look accepting. and once he was aware enough again to be talked to.

“ i… yes? “ he was confused as well. when he had opened his eyes in the doctor’s room earlier, the other patient there, a very old man who had spent his lifetime in there, had congratulated him on finally being able to stand his ground because _‘ his body was too perfectly built to be wasted by his uselessly kind heart. ‘_

 

“ do you know what state he’s at right now? we had to send him to the hospital immediately. you broke his ribs wonho. you hit him with a pipe and destroyed him all over. you could’ve killed him if the guards hadn’t taken you down in time. “

he didn’t understand it. he didn’t understand how no-one seemed to understand the situation. he felt so angry and unfairly treated.

“ what was i supposed to do? was i supposed to let him do whatever, welcoming his ugly dick inside me, ending up the only one who’s hurt all over again? he would’ve died? good. it would serve him well. i’m sick and tired of people pushing me around. “ he snapped, not really caring that it was the head of the prison he was yelling at. he didn’t care. he had nothing left to lose. he ended up being sent to solitary for 40 days.

 

 

 

there, at the small 2*3 room with no window, no bed and a single blanket with no pillow, he thought a lot. about how he ended up like this. and why. was the love he felt for hyungwon really worth all the shit he had gone through over the years. whether hyungwon himself had been worth it all. how he had been so stupid to sacrifice his whole life for someone who had so much doubt in his eyes regarding his crime. he felt nauseous. why had he always been nice to everyone? why had he never used the muscles he worked so hard for and the jujitsu techniques he had learned in school? why was it that he was always the only one who had to pay a price? he was tired. he’d had enough and with every passing day in that room that was more like a grave, he decided that he no longer cared about not hurting others. they had hurt him so much, physically and mentally, that whoever dared to as much lay a finger on him from that point on, was gonna pay for it big time.

 

wonho hadn’t intended on telling his friends to fuck off but the moment he sat behind the table, in front of 6 pairs of eyes, he felt annoyed. he didn’t wanna see them. he didn’t wanna see hyungwon who was the source of all his misery. the reason everything had gone downhill. he wanted to start anew. it was a shitty place and the plot would be really trashy but didn’t have a choice. he just didn’t want to see them simply because he didn’t wanna be reminded of how he used to be, how he had his art, what kind of a life he lived and how things turned out to be this way for him. he told them not to come again and although they didn’t listen, he didn’t go to the visiting hall the following weeks of the next year when they came to see him anyway. but that’s how long it lasted, a year. after that, no-one came to visit. only his mom and baekho who had somehow learned about his situation but he didn’t visit anyone. he didn’t wanna see them. he just didn’t wanna be reminded of his past in any form. he just.. he just didn’t care anymore about anything.

 

sometimes he dreamt about it in his sleep. the look hyungwon had on his face once wonho told him to not come again. he had looked terrified. his eyes looking at him with so much desperation and horror, asking him if he hated them that much. his answer had been honest. that he didn’t hate any of them. he was just simply sick of it all. he was simply sick of being weak and letting everyone use him as they pleased. he ended up sending about a dozen men to the hospital during his stay in the prison for the next two years until the criminals there learned he was no longer someone to mess with.

 

 

 

he turned into someone who messed with others instead. prison didn’t have much fun to it and so, for someone like wonho who had always craved bodily contact in any form, he managed to find himself a prison boyfriend figure. his name was Inguk and he had been arrested for robbery. the man kept saying he was innocent and that he had been set up by his brothers but the evidence talked against him and that was how he had ended up there. Inguk was a soft and sweet person when it came to wonho. he had a feeling that somewhere along the way, the older had developed feelings for him. it was such a dark comedy. for him to turn cold-hearted and someone, a prisoner, falling in love with his cold and violent self. it was ridiculous, funny and cliche and he hated it. he hated the endless affection he received from the guy but he needed the sex dearly and Inguk had been about the only safe option among all the other maniacs there. some days they’d spend hours talking, or rather Inguk would talk and wonho would mostly pretend like he was listening. the man would take hold of his hand and caress his hair until he would come back to reality the times he went into his shell. and then, at those times when it got a little too intimate, wonho would jump up and walk away from him without looking back. he didn’t have what the other asked for in him anymore. he didn’t feel. no love, no hate, no nothing. he was just always cautious, always ready to throw fists and even sleeping with one eye open.

 

 

 

the day came and it was his time to finally get out of that hell. he’d had an additional 3 months due to all the violence and the damage he had caused but oh well. it wasn’t like there was a life waiting for him outside of those walls anyway. he had already decided on what he was gonna do the moment he step foot out of that place. the reason he had been so hesitant about it was that he didn’t want it to be in a dirty place like that. he thought after all the shit he had been through, he deserved to rest in a beautiful and preferably clean place.

 

 

 


	25. Hyungwon: The end with no beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***WARNING***  
> serious triggering content ahead. read at your own risk.

There they were. all six of them, waiting for the big metal doors to open and for their friend to finally walk out of there and be a free man again.

 

Hyungwon was holding his breath and he knew the others were doing so as well. they didn’t know what to expect. the last two times they’ve come in hopes of it being the release date of wonho, the officers had told them he’d gotten a penalty and that they had to call in a month to see where the new date was gonna be. so, they couldn’t help but bite their nails and pace around stressed out, thinking about the awful possibility of their precious wonho having gotten yet another penalty. one that they could not get their heads around, no matter how hard they tried. people who were violent and caused trouble were usually the ones getting extra days. their friend was just a precious bean. soft, sweet and an actual baby. or at least that’s how the blond used to be before all of this mess.

 

looking to the side during his stress walking, he saw baekho. as their eyes locked, they both gave each other death glares and looked away. the latter was standing far away from all of them. hyungwon hated him just because and in his head, there was no reason why baekho would look at him with so much hate but he couldn’t really care less at that moment.

 

“ his mom isn’t here yet. does that mean he’s really going to leave for america? “ changkyun’s voice ripped him out of his thoughts.

kihyun had called wonho’s mother the previous day, and they found out that their friend had agreed to go to america with her a few months back and that she was already there, waiting for her son to come as well. kihyun said she’d already got him a ticket and he’d fly in a couple of days after his discharge from the prison.

 

no-one said anything for minutes. what could they say? they all absolutely hated the thought of losing their friend again before they could even get a chance to get close to him. wonho had expertly pushed them all away and even now, after three years, they still had no idea of what really happened between him and the ceo. they had tried every method. called his mother. went to the lawyer’s office. asked the police but it was like the case was a top-secret one and no-one gave them any clear answers.

hyunwoo had even gone to wonho’s grandparents’ house one time he went to japan for his competition. they’d told him to not question things further and that wonho didn’t want anyone to know the details. they’d said that even they didn’t know it all as their grandchild had only told the lawyer the truth. something was off and they all knew it but there was literally nothing they could do. all they could hope for was that once wonho was out, he’d let them in and they’d be able to help him get his life back on track. that he’d let them shower him with all of their love and affection just like they had before because that’s what he really deserved; to be loved unconditionally.

 

“ she said it herself… he’s agreed to it months ago… “ jooheon finally said with a deep sigh and hung his head low. they hated it all so damn much.

 

“ yeah but can’t we… change his mind? he… he didn’t even get to Vienna back then just because he wanted to be here with us… i wish… i wish he still thought the same… i can’t think of not seeing him any more than this. i’ll lose my mind.. i miss him too much “ minhyuk was trying so hard to not break into tears. they had promised to each other last night that they wouldn’t cry. at least not until wonho walked out of that place.

 

“ i don’t think we ca- “ hyunwoo started but stopped the moment the big doors started opening.

many men walked out and the area got noisy with all the crying and the talking of the families and friends who had come to welcome their beloved ones who were gonna be discharged that day.

 

“ where is he? it’s been minutes. please don’t let it be that they’re keeping him in again.. “ kihyun was losing his sanity over this whole mess. he just wanted him out of that doomed place already.

 

it seemed like everyone who was gonna be out, had already come and they couldn’t see anyone else as far as they could tell. hyungwon’s eyes got teary from the thought of having to wait for even one more day. if it was this hard for them, he couldn’t imagine how hard it was for wonho. there hadn’t been a day he didn’t wish he was the one imprisoned and his best friend the one out, free and working on the art he cherished so much.

 

He couldn’t look at those walls anymore so he looked down at his feet. feeling sick in the stomach from the guilt that once again found its way to his chest. he didn’t know what really happened but his brain told him it had to have something to do with him. it was just a gut feeling that was there without any particular reason. one that none of their friends really understood.

 

 

“ i can’t believe we’re getting discharged on the same day. ain’t it funny? we were worried about losing contact and look at us now! i’m actually happy to be honest! “

hyungwon heard an unfamiliar voice talking and before he himself could even register, his shot his head upward, eyes immediately focus on the metal doors again. it was him.

 

it was him but if they hadn’t known him since childhood, there was no way they could recognize him at that moment. he had changed so much. he was so bulky. hyungwon could tell even from that distance that their tiny was now bigger and broader than hyunwoo who had always been the buff one in the group. and he had short messy black hair. and the look he had on his face and how he held his whole body was just so unlike him. the way he was walking, the smirk on his face, the way he was looking at the man next to him side-ways. it was all…different, cold.

 

he couldn’t move and from the no-motion around him, everyone else probably was feeling the same; hesitant.

could they get close? would he push them away as he did two years ago? did he hate them or would he be happy to see them after all this time? they didn’t know and from the blank look on his face, they couldn’t tell. something told hyungwon that just like him, everyone else was utterly shocked from what they were seeing.

 

 

wonho saw them. he saw them once he briefly looked around but he didn’t even look at them for more than two seconds. it was like he didn’t even know them and they were complete strangers in his eyes.

hyungwon didn’t look away and so, he didn’t miss how wonho’s gaze lingered a bit longer on baekho who was now walking toward him in really slow steps. was he nervous, too?

 

 

their friend gestured for a taxi, giving the man next to him another smirk and a nod for something the latter said that they couldn’t hear.

one the taxi stopped in front of them, wonho held the door open for the man.

“ get in “ he tilted his head toward the taxi, looking at the other.

“ but….what about you? “

“ what about me?! “ his voice had no emotion in it what-so-ever.

the man spent seconds staring at him with a frown, a concerned look on his face.

“ you said we’d be together properly once we got out. why are you sending me off like this?! “

at that, wonho snorted and patted the hand on his shoulder away as he took a step back and looked at the man in front of him with a smug look on his face.

“ and you believed that!? please! “

the man didn’t say anything. he just stood there looking at wonho.

“ you know wonho.. i never got to see the person you were before all of this.. “ inguk gestured toward the broad shoulder and the frame of the latter “ this big bad guy you made out of yourself, but from the glimpses i got to see from the time we spent together, when you let your walls down for just a moment, i can tell that behind all of these masks, you’re a good person. not the violent arrogant kid that’s been responsible for the guards’ headaches the past two years.”

the black-haired boy didn’t say anything. although the nasty look on his face was now gone, it didn’t mean that it was replaced with any kind of emotion.

Inguk gave up at last with a sigh “ you have my number. you can call me if you need anything. “ he walked the two steps between them and hugged wonho ever so tightly. “ don’t do anything stupid, okay? “ the man kissed his cheek and with a last pat on the muscular chest, he got inside the taxi and left.

hyungwon felt like he didn’t wanna see any more of it.

 

 

as soon as the taxi drove off, wonho gestured for another one but the moment the car started going his way, baekho ran toward him and stopped him on his track.

“ let me drive you. wherever you wanna go, just let me drive you there. i won’t talk if you don’t feel like it. i promise. “ there was so much desperation in his voice and even if they couldn’t see his face, they knew it was written all over his face as well.

 

they all started walking toward wonho, baekho and the now parked taxi just half a meter away from the two in unison. they couldn’t just stand there like statues and let their friend leave just like that after all. they had to do something even if it felt scary as hell. the probability of being rejected again.

 

“ i’m just gonna get some fresh air. “ hyungwon heard him say and there was a hint of softness in his eyes with the way he looked at his ex.

“ and i wanna be alone. this place has been hella crowded and i just wanna have a moment of peace and quiet to myself. “ when baekho’s grip on his wrist didn’t get any loose, wonho set himself free easily, having turned his wrist and pulling it back just like they did in martial arts. it was a surprising thing to witness because things like that their friend never did.

“ thank you for coming baek. really. but, you gotta let go. i’m not someone you used to know anymore. “ his eyes were fixated on the man in front of him still when he talked out the next words. “ it applies to all of you as well. you all need to let go. coming here today was pointless. i thought i made it clear that i didn’t wanna see any of you again. now, go home. forget that i ever existed and live on. “ he said all of that without as much of a glance toward them. did he really hate seeing their faces that much? that he didn’t even look at them while clearly talking to them?

 

without a second to waste, wonho walked to the taxi and before any of them could get to him, the car drove off.

 

hyungwon panicked. he had so much to say to wonho. so much to apologise for. he had all these dialogs in his head that he had practiced saying without bursting into tears over and over again but in the end, he didn’t even get to say hi.

standing in the middle of the road, he stared at the direction the taxi had disappeared to while tears streamed down his face without him knowing it.

 

“ it’s your fault. it’s all your fucking fault. “ his collar was pulled by someone. he didn’t register who at first but when the man repeated the words over and over again and when a fist landed on the side of his face, sending him down to the asphalt with the intensity of it, he came back to reality and saw it was baekho who had punched him.

he was picked back up by the said man and was about to get hit again when hyunwoo and jooheon grabbed him from behind.

“ everything that ever happened to him is all your fault. he was in love with you all this time and you, none of you, ever realized how much pain he was in because of it. “ hyungwon was frozen on his spot. baekho was shouting the words as his tears fell off his face and landed on the ground, turning it darker.

“ he was in my arms but all he could ever think about was you. how much he loved you and the things he was ready to sacrifice just to be next to you. and you, you piece of shit dared to make out right in front of him with your girls and i know- “ the man stopped due to the sob that broke in his throat and cut off his voice “ i just know that him having to deal with your maniac ceo had something to do with you. none of you know him like i do. you all think he’s just some weak toddler but i saw how strong he is. he would never give in to an abusive bastard like him with his own will. “ baekho set himself free, pushing the two men away and walked up to hyungwon again. “ he would never, **_NEVER_** love anyone but you. let alone loving them to the point of getting hurt and still staying. “ he spat on the ground by hyungwon’s feet and didn’t look back at his face as he walked away “ i hope you pay for how much you made him suffer. “

 

 

 

 

 

 

it was midnight. they had searched everywhere they could think of. they just couldn’t find him.

after baekho had left, none of them dared to say anything. hyungwon hadn’t dared to look at any of them in the eye since then. he didn’t even look in the mirror. goosebump after goosebump he thought about the possibility of what baekho said being true. of wonho having been in love with him all these years. of him going through so much pain just because of hyungwon. for him to have ended up in prison because of his boss. it made sense. it made sense because now wonho hated him and didn’t even wanna see him, the source of his misery, anymore. he felt like dying.

 

getting out of his bed at 4:44 AM, he sneaked out of their shared apartment quietly, knowing that none of them must have been asleep but not wanting to see them or having to give answers as to why he was going out in such hour.

 

he didn’t have a destination really. he just walked and walked for hours on end and when he looked up, he was there. that bridge over the river where they, wonho and himself, spent so much of their childhood. just standing there, looking at the horizon, sipping on the drinks they liked to pretend was alcohol to seem cool in their own childish eyes. there was no-one there as it was still rather dark and he decided to get closer.

 

the closer he got, the better he could see the frame of a man, sitting on the edge, his feet dangling from the rails as he puffed on his cigarette. the closer he got, the better he could see wonho.

 

“ we searched everywhere. i should’ve known you were here..” he said after long minutes of just staring at him. at how he smoked cigarette after cigarette looking at the sky above their heads.

“ thought you were gonna stand there in silence forever. “ he heard the now hoarse voice, probably due to all the smoking, say. so he was aware of his presence there all this time? how..

 

“ i… “ he didn’t know what to say. feeling extremely hesitant and scared, he dragged his trembling feet toward where wonho was.

“ i’m sorry “ hyungwon couldn’t get his voice to be any louder than a whisper. he knew the words didn’t mean anything. that they couldn’t undo all the things that had happened to the other man.

 

“ you’re sorry? “ wonho turned his head toward him, looking at him for the first time after years as he puffed out the smoke from his nostrils. “ what for?! “ and then he looked away, throwing the remaining filter of the cigarette in the river below them.

 

what was he sorry for? that he didn’t know wonho had loved him all along? that he had witnessed it all happening without really realizing what exactly was going on?

“ baekho, he…. he said it’s my fault. that… that you loved me all along. that it’s.. “ he couldn’t bring himself to say it. it was too scary and became too real if he put it into words but it had to be said “ that you went through it all because of me. you let him hurt you because of me. he hurt you so many times and i couldn’t do anything about it. i didn’t know..” he said each word slowly and quietly through his broken sobs. he wanted so badly to reach out and pull his best friend down the rails and into his embrace but he couldn’t dare to touch him. his vision was blurry from all the tears that kept falling and falling.

 

there was silence for long seconds before he heard a chuckle.

“ baekho gets emotional and says whatever comes to his mind.” there was a pause and then hyungwon could smell the scent of yet another smoke.

“ true that i used to love you. but it was ages ago and i don’t even remember how it must have felt like. and please don’t flatter yourself so much! i might have loved you at one point but i’d never let someone abuse me just because of that! my love for you was never that strong anyway. “ there was a shrug as the man talked in a calm but emotionless voice. there was no hesitation in his tone as if it was the truth he was speaking of.

“ then why? “ hyungwon wiped his tears with his sleeve as he took the remaining step toward wonho and curled his fingers around his wrist on the rails.

“ why didn’t you tell us it was him you were dating? why did you stay with him despite all of the pain he caused you? “ his grip tightened on the wrist that didn’t react to his touch at all.

“ because! i was hopelessly in love! “ the muscular boy let out a snort as if the thought was even funny to him.

“ the man was like a father figure to me and even though he was abusive as fuck, i was sure he loved me in his own painful twisted ways. “ that was the end of the smoke that was apparently the last one from the packet. or that was what hyungwon gathered from the empty packet that was thrown on the ground behind them with a groan.

 

wonho didn’t even use strength when he pushed hyungwon’s hand away and moved to end up standing on the railings.

“ w-what are you doing? it’s dangerous. come down. “ he panicked and thought of a way to drag him down without accidentally causing him to fall down into the river instead.

“ dangerous? please! sleeping, hell! even breathing in prison was dangerous! this is the safest situation i’ve been in the past three years. “ his friend stretched his body.“ aaaah, it’s really beautiful up here. peaceful and quiet. and clean! “ he laughed and hyungwon didn’t understand what was going on anymore. but if he couldn’t get wonho to come down, he was gonna join him up there as well. and so that was what he did.

 

“ are you really leaving tomorrow? to go to your mom? “ his voice was shaking from the adrenaline that came with standing straight on the railings high above the deep river.

“ nah. i wanna go somewhere far away. somewhere no one can hurt me anymore. if there’s people around, there’s danger. “ there were a chuckle and a shake of the head “ people are so fucking scary. “ and then wonho stared at the bottom of his feet, at the river.

 

hyungwon was terrified. he had so much to tell him. especially now that he knew wonho had loved him at one point. or that he still did and refused to admit just to give him a clear conscience.

it was hard, moving on that metal railing was really fucking scary and hard, but he managed. wrapping his arms around wonho’s neck, he hugged him tight from the side.

“ i’m mortified right now and i’m picturing us falling down ten times a second but.. but i have to say it out loud. because if i don’t do it now, i’ll doubt that i ever will. “ his voice was shaking so bad. it would have been really embarrassing if their situation wasn’t so intense and sensitive.

“ wonho, i… “ he tightened his arms around his friend and buried his head in his shoulder. maybe not seeing anything would give him the courage he needed at the moment.

“ i love you. i realized my feelings when you started dating baekho. i hated seeing you with him and just wanted to be in his place. i never stopped loving you. but i was terrified of coming out. of letting my family know i’m bisexual. that i love another boy. so, “ another shiver ran down his spine and he shook again so intensely that he would have fallen down if it wasn’t for wonho’s arms that circle around his waist to keep him in place. but the latter didn’t say a word.

“ so i thought i could live like that. you had baekho and you seemed happy and i could live like that. loving you and giving you all of my affection without really confessing anything. i was a coward and i wish i had confessed my feelings. i wish i wouldn’t have cared so much about other people’s judgments and just embraced you, loved you the way you deserved to be loved. i’m sorry… “ he sobbed loudly in the arms of the person he had loved for years secretly. “ i’m sorry i lead you into that bastard’s arms. i’m so fucking sorry and i would do anything to turn back time and to prevent you from getting hurt but the stupid time and space don’t allow things like that to happen. “ hyungwon rubbed his face in wonho’s crook of neck as he inhaled his scent. the scent that was still the same as he remembered even though everything else had changed.

“ this is the worst dark comedy ever! “ the muscular boy burst out laughing but his arms never let go of hyungwon.

“ so we both loved the other for years without letting it show. both cowards and both suffering. _brilliant!_ “

 

hyungwon felt wonho’s arms tightening around him a bit for a second or two before the grip loosened again.

“ although it changes nothing now. “ the hoarse voice said into his ear.

“ i’m high and i don’t really know what’s going on around me right now. but i had my mind set on one decision for the past year and that is jumping off this bridge and letting it all end where it began. i’m gonna jump in a second and if you keep hugging me like this, you’re gonna end up in the very bottom of this river, drowning, because neither of us can swim for shit. “ and then the arms let go of him, unwrapping like they had never held him in the first place.

“ let go hyungwon. what happened had nothing to do with you. it was me who fell in love with a maniac and it was me who stayed. it was me who killed him. so many things happened and i lost everything in the process. i’m not even sure who i am anymore, whether or not i have some sort of a persona left. i don’t like me anymore. all i know is that it hurts and that i want it to stop. so let go and let me have my peace. i think i deserve it after all. “ he tried to push hyungwon away carefully.

“ there’s no way around it? can’t you come down, live and let me love you? i’ll love you so much wonho. please. give us a chance. i’ll… i’ll- “ he was cut off by the bitter chuckle of the other.

“ there’s really nothing left to love. i just wanna rest. i’m jumping hyungwon. “ wonho closed his eyes. he really looked like he wasn’t aware of his surroundings anymore. hyungwon decided at that moment. he had stayed away from the person he loved all his life, he wasn’t gonna do that anymore. it wasn’t like he could live with himself knowing he had let wonho die right in front of him, because of him, anyway. so he tightened his arms around the other’s neck. buried his face further into his neck as he pressed a kiss on the soft skin. “ i’m never letting go of you again. “

whether wonho had heard it or not, hyungwon couldn’t tell. the next moment, the air and the gravity were battling each other. the air wanting to force them back up and the gravity to pull them further down. the hit to the surface of the river was strong enough to loosen his grip on wonho but the moment they were in, he tightened his arms again. he was scared. so damn scared but it didn’t change his mind. he wasn’t gonna leave him alone again. ever.

 

a second or two in, wonho opened his eyes and they looked clouded. like he didn’t really believe hyungwon was really there with him.

the muscular boy, the love of his life, lifted his hands lazily and cupped hyungwon’s face as a sad but beautiful smile appeared on his face. wonho crawled closer and in the next moment, he could feel soft lips on his. it was hard, the water surrounding them, trying so hard to push them apart from each other’s embrace. the oxygen leaving their lungs and never returning but they kept their lips brushing over each others' for as long as they were conscious. and then everything went black..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“ hyungwon! stop it! please! “ the boy’s loud laughter tore through the spacious bedroom. “ you covered both of us in paint! how are we gonna wash these off for the evening’s party?! “ wonho pouted at him once he stopped tickling him.

“ easy! we won’t go. let’s just stay in bed like this, gross and messy, for the rest of the day! “ hyungwon fell on the bed and dragged wonho down with him. his long black hair sprawled over the pillow and his arm under the latter’s head.

“ you’re stupid! “ his friend giggled but didn’t protest any further as he snuggled closer to him and hugged him back.

“ and you're tiny so we’re equal. “ he laughed and pressed a kiss on the pale forehead. a tingling feeling warming his chest. it had all been his plan from the start. to prevent wonho from going to the prom thing with his boyfriend. he was happy that it worked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi~   
> Underwater has come to an end at last. thanks to all the people reading it, for all the comments, the kudos and the hits ^^   
> i hope you enjoyed reading this story even though it wasn't really a happy plot. this one was basically me writing whenever i felt down. i thought about how to end it for days but couldn't bring myself to give them a happy ending.  
> anyways, i have many other works so please make sure you check them out ( not all of my stories are sad btw ) ^^and tell me what you thought about this story in the comments ;) please don't hate me. i warned you from the beginning!  
> peace out <3 


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